Why?

I admit, I liked him right from the start -- from the very first day I knew him.

And yes, after that, I wanted to get his phone number. I wanted to add him on Facebook. By all means, I wanted to be close to him -- by having a communication between us.

But I never did anything.

The time I got a chance, I wasn't able to stop myself anymore. I searched his FB. Though it was a little bit hard, I did find it.

But then there it went -- I saw his profile picture and cover photo -- which stunned me -- and hurt me --  and eventually cause me to stupidly cry that night and made my eyes got inflamed the next morning. I didn't send him a friend request.

SIGHS

The following days, I wasn't my normal self anymore. I decided to act casually -- or should I say cold -- around him. I stopped interacting with him first --  even greeting him when he or I arrived. I stopped showing any emotions to him -- not any reactions whenever he talks -- not even a little smile when he jokes or teases me. During those days, I tried so hard to stop myself from liking him.

However, as the days passed, I simply couldn't anymore. I simply couldn't just continue my little hard act anymore. Soon, just like the very days before I knew the hurtful "truth", I started to show myself in front of him again. I let my guard down again. It was because I couldn't just help but be flattered of his words. I couldn't just throw a poker face because just his mere presence could really make me smile. What I thought was, he didn't even know that I like him -- he didn't even know that I was upset -- he knew nothing -- and he would never know anything -- so what was the point of all my actions?

And I forgot and leave the "truth".

Until the day that he had to leave, I gave him a remembrance  -- and that was a handkerchief. A HANDKERCHIEF -- which is a very symbolical thing for me. I only give handkerchief as a gift for those special persons -- special persons for me.

After he was gone, I became like a stalker. I kept on visiting his FB everytime I got a chance -- still considering if I should add him as friend or not -- and this wasn't just once or twice.

I was until today -- I saw and read their public conversations... the whole conversations... their sweet whole conversations...

And now I realized, I really have to stop.

What a shame. What a foolish of me. Making an inspiration out of someone with other inspiration -- that eventhough I already knew it, I still continued. Not that it was bad, but it wasn't good either -- 'coz I just made myself hurt... and hurt again... and hurt more... Why did I put salt to my own wound? Why -- even I already know that it was salt -- did I even started and continued?

Now, I have thought I would just consider it as an infatuation -- just like how I considered my other previous experiences as one... and just move on -- just like how I moved on from my other previous experiences.

But what can I do? It hurts. It really does hurts! 'Coz if it was just an infatuation, why then... why of all other several people... why does it have to be with someone already taken?