Finale

I, together with my siblings just had special dinner while ago -- a little celebration I say…


So many how-tos. So many don’ts. Techniques. Advices. Reminders.

For months, I have heard lots of these -- almost day by day -- while preparing for the board exam.

Looking back, though I already had some readings in the month of May, my official review which was on PERC started in June. When it ended in July, my self-review began thereafter. Within this span of time, I had really gone through different situations. I had felt more or less all kinds of emotions.

At first, of course, there is me still playful and frivolous -- having a hangover with the vacation, taking my review lightly…

There am I also being a lazy bone -- postponing the preparation of board exam application requirements, and even the application itself…

Along the way in the middle, there came me being foolish -- distracted from review, then afterwards realizing the mistake, would resent oneself for the wasted time, hitting one’s head saying, “You’re so stupid! Why?! What have you done?!” and wishing for the ability to turn back time…

When the dead-serious phase finally kicked in, the next me evolved to:

Being so religious -- attending and participating actively in every Sunday Masses, feeling so sorry if failed to, and even lighting candle offerings in the Church -- which is in fact, a first time…

Being like a nerdy bookworm -- spending a very great deal of time surrounded by all kinds of integrated notes -- with contents from the most obsolete to the latest; of different sources from university lectures to review center hand outs to local and international books; with letters from the smallest to largest; of different types from hand-written to photocopied to printed; on different papers from the most ordinary (yellow pads, continues forms, brown papers) to special (bond papers, smooth glossy papers); with variety of emphasis markings from erasable underlines and circles of pencil to black-and-blue ink of ballpens to yellow-and-green colors of highlighters…

Being like an owl -- awake all night until daybreak, then will just have a quick nap and wake up again at the afternoon…

Being like someone on a strict diet (if it’s even considered as one) -- consuming nothing but a pitcher of water for the whole day…

Being like an always-PMS-ing woman -- so sensitive, irritable, full of hatred against inconsiderate noisy distraction-causing companies at the place…

Being like a dying person -- worrying all the time, counting the days left before the board exam…

Until the time came to being a scared-cat -- to the point of even thinking of backing out just one day before the board exam…

Yes. All of these -- all of these -- I experienced before the board exam. The bad thing, my restlessness didn’t really leave me until during and after the licensure exam. It worsened even actually -- up to yesterday.

Yesterday is the release of result of Medical Technology board exam we took five and four days ago. At 20:30 pm last night, the official roster of newly-passed medical technologist is finally out on the internet. [Clears throat] I’m so proud to say -- yes, my name was included in it. I’m in it! I saw my name in it! Yes, me! As in me! Em-ii! Me! I passed! Yes, I passed! Meaning, all of my hardships, my sacrifices, and my roller coaster experience during this last five months -- it is all worth it. All worth it! Furthermore, know what? My other friends and acquaintances passed as well! And our university? It is included in the top performing schools! It is really a very very very very good news.

[Deep Sigh] So… I guess this is an end now. This story has just had its conclusion. I remember, when I started this as one chapter here in my blog, I wrote in my ever first entry, “I hope the ending will be happy.” And yeah, right now, I’m smiling… with not really flowing but just forming little tears on the side of my eyes… because… yes -- I just achieved what I have hoped for -- a happy ending.


Now, another journey begins. Like what it is said, “When a door closes, a window opens.” And now, I know I already have a ticket for it.

Ups and Downs with the Newspaper

None! I already finished scanning the two national English newspapers I have bought while ago. I was expecting to see the roster of the latest Medical Technology board exam passers. Specifically speaking, I wanted to check if my name is included in it. In short, I wanted to know the result of my exam last week end. Simple to put, I wanted to know if I passed. Yes, today is the releasing of the result. Today is the judgment day.

As usual, I couldn't sleep last night. That's why I tried hard to make my eyes tired by reading on my phone. I was rereading "Talk Back and You're Dead". It didn't fail me because I got sleepy before midnight. That was even better because usually I was able to sleep almost morning already, most especially before and after exam.

So anyway, I woke up I think twice this morning. The first, in fairness, I woke up because I heard my 5 am alarm. (Because again, usually, though I have several alarms, which are almost every hour -- sometimes starting from 3 am, I wasn't really able to hear any of it. I woke up just through body alarm, and that is BEFORE even my earliest alarm.) I actually didn't rose up immediately. My mind was still blank. Then I suddenly just got up. I went to the window and checked if the store nearby at the other side of the street was open yet. It wasn't, so I went back to sleep… again.

The second time, it was my body alarm that worked. The moment I opened my eyes, my mind was blank again. I just stared at the ceiling. Then I suddenly got up. I was sitting at the side of my chair-bed then. I was thinking. Immediately, I went to reach my bag and looked for my wallet, a pen, and paper. I didn’t find any paper at first, but I just cut from a page of my scratch journal, anyway I only needed a small piece. I wrote the number of our prepaid smart broadband sim card. Then I brought out a hundred-peso bill from my purse. I brought out another hundred-peso bill. I checked my phone, it was low bat. I turned it off, and charged it. What a good timing because I was also planning on turning it off for the whole day. I knew there would be several "I'm-the-first-to-know" updates from other people who were also waiting for the board exams result -- which I really hate, so by then, I already have a better reason to turn it off.

Anyway, after that I stood up and went to the kitchen. I brushed my teeth. I washed my face. I combed my hair. Then, presto, I was refreshed. It was already 6:30 a.m. (I think so), so I was pretty sure the store was open yet. I brought the money and paper I prepared while ago then went outside.

After some minutes, I went back with two big newspapers in my hand. I immediately hide it under ANA' things on the chair, along with the old newspaper she bought previously. I didn't want any of my siblings to see it and realize that I bought it. I was afraid they would knew that today is the release of the result of our boards, and that they would suddenly ask me this and that. I wanted to keep it a secret first. Honestly, I didn't really give them any update about my exam -- not before, not during, not after. I didn't want to talk about it face to face. And that is why I was only talking about it to Mommy because she is not here but there in the province.

So after I hid it, I thought that I would just checked it later -- later when all of them were gone already -- Ate and Kuya to work and ANA to school. I just did my works first. I folded the clothes washed last Sunday but was still hanging until today. No one else would really do the folding but me.

While I was folding, that was when Kuya left. Ate had already left, too, but earlier -- I thought before I even got up the second time I woke up? Anyway, the two were gone then; only one more to go. I was almost finished when ANA finally prepared to leave.

I continued folding. Then, I decided to just finish all of my other works before I scan the newspapers. So I swept the floor, and washed the dishes. While washing the dishes, my heart was really thumping fast and loud. I was all alone, but I talked on my mind. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do…

I kept on talking on my mind, until it went blank. I realized, I didn't really think of it… until now… but what if… I really failed the exam...? I realized, am I gonna rewind again my last six months? I'm gonna review again for another six months? I'm gonna read all of my notes again for another six months? I'm gonna wait again for another six months? Another roller coaster of nervousness and insanity for six months? But I really want to go for the next level now...

For the last 20 years of my existence, I didn't really have any stopover in my life. I went through my life the typical way. I was born. I was baptized. I went to grade school. I graduated. I went to high school. I graduated. I went to college. I graduated -- of course for this one I have at least some few struggles, but still I managed to pass through it. In short, it was generally a continues smooth sailing.

So that was why I didn't really spent time to think what am I gonna do if this time, I will not make it. I was so focus on just following the waves and moving forward -- without looking sideward or backward. Now, I'm here. I feel like I was suddenly splashed with some ice cold water. I was literally shivering and trembling. I can just pray and hope that I can still make this one.

I was done with washing the dishes. I was all good then. I got the newspapers -- shaking, and also my pink little stool. I positioned and sat beside my chair-bed. I set aside my pillows and blanket and placed the newspapers on it. I started to unfold one newspaper.

Front page. Scan. No any headlines about the boards. Unfold to the second page. Scan. Nothing I am looking for. Unfold to the fourth page. Scan. Noth… Stop. One page. One whole page. I saw several very small letters -- consisting of many names. "Certified List of Delinquent Properties. 2nd Publication" What is this? I thought… Sigh… Still not what I am looking for. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Wait. Something caught my eyes. In extra big all caps lock bold letters. "SUCCESS IS IN THE AIR." One long sigh. My heart continued to thump fast and loud. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Nothing. Unfold. Scan. Pause. "Our Daily Bread" I read it first. "Failure to discipline our children is a failure to love them." is the main point. Never mind. It's something I can't relate to now -- maybe in the future -- far far future. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Still nothing. Unfold. Scan. Nothing again. Until I finished the main section. I got the other sections. World. Business. Business again. Motoring. Motoring again. Entertainment. Lifestyle. Lifestyle again. Another lifestyle. Then no more for the first newspaper.

I reached for the second one. This time. I was at fast pace. Like at the first one, front page. Scan. No any headlines about the boards as well. Unfold. Scan. Wait. Something caught my eyes again -- this time, a picture -- a picture of doctors on their surgery clothes. Sigh… How I wish I could also wear my hospital uniform soon. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Unfold. Scan. Pause again. "Jobs Fair 2014" Sigh… How I wish I could have my own job soon. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Unfold. Scan. The main section is over now. Go to the other sections. I'm at panic mode now. Metro. Sports. Business. Another business. Mo... Stop, but not hoping. I saw several small letters again. I look closely to be able to read it. "Philippine Stock Exchange" Gaaaaa! I told myself so. Continue. Motoring. Another motoring. Lifestyle. Entertainment. I don't know what I am looking for now. I paused at the movie section. Continue. Still entertainment. Till lastly, classifieds. I'm drained. So drained. What makes it worse? When I reached the very very very last page… what I read… "Obituaries". Okay. Long long long deep deep deep sigh……

I wanna cry! Lord! Are you joking with me? Why? Did I got it the wrong way? Should I buy the other newspapers as well? Did I bought the wrong one? But these two are the only ones left at the store while ago, that's why I even bought both of them! Or is it not today? Should I buy tomorrow, because it is tomorrow that it will be published and not now? But today is really the result day! Wait. Is it really tomorrow? Well… I guess you're right. If today is the announcement of result, the publishing is tomorrow! Sigh… But I'm dying to know the result now! As in now! Sigh… By the way I'll just use the internet later. I'll check the PRC website.

And now, what's my plan? To wash my hands! It's so dirty and almost black due to the prints of the I-don't-know-how-many-pages newspapers I scanned for almost 30 minutes.

Probability

It’s been two days since our board exam… And tomorrow, it’s the third day… the judgment day… the result-releasing day.

I still can’t explain my feelings. One moment, I feel nothing. Then suddenly, I will shiver and feel nervous. After another moment, I feel depress. I hate this. Five months. I have prepared for almost five months for just that two-day exam -- actually the entire day isn’t really spent for it. And now what? I just don’t know what’s going to happen if I didn’t pass that damn exam. Actually, I was able to finally hand my letter to Daddy while ago, before he left in the morning. That letter was the one I wrote ahead when I was still reviewing. It was actually for both Daddy and Mommy.

Daddy, Mommy:

Kapag hindi ako nakapasa sa boards ngayong September, wag kayo masiyado ma-disappoint ha? Pagbubutihan ko na lang lalo uli sa March… Hintay lang uli… Sorry… [INSERT SAD FACE]

That’s what I wrote. I purposely said “wag masiyado ma-disappoint” instead of “wag ma-disappoint” -- because I know the latter is really impossible. Of course, they will surely be disappointed of me if I really fail. Who parents wouldn’t be?

Minutes after Daddy already left, I texted him saying, “Daddy, that’s a waiver. You have to sign that.” -- with “Hehehe” at the end. Haha.

Honestly, I felt a little guilty about my message in the letter for them, so I texted that half-seriously-meant pun. But it’s really because I am really not confident of myself that’s why I wrote that message. I want them to be at least open of any possibility for disappointment, and not just a mere full hope that I can make it. I’m also human. I just don’t express it, but the real is they really pressure me. It’s hard, don’t they know it?

Honestly I still feel bad to them. Still no one had say the most comforting words anyone in a situation like me would want to hear from any person. It’s the, “It’s okay. Whatever the result will be, it’s okay. You still have next time. Don’t worry.” Why can’t they say it? Why can’t they even think of it? I mean, I rather hear those words instead of their, “You can do it! Think positive! Go for top, okay?” The hell! I hate those words, especially the quote, “Think positive.” Who is that one who created that? It’s not really applicable for everything -- anyway, nothing really applies to all, just like what one of my most believed life quotes says, “In every rule, there’s always an exemption.”

By the way, I already told God that it’s not Him who I doubt. I have faith in Him. I really believe that to Him, “Everything is possible.” Whatever one hopes wholeheartedly and faithfully, He will grant it. There’s no really question about that. My problem is that, the thing I doubt is whether I am really “already worthy” of my wish to Him -- because just like what Ma’am KATA, the one who gave us a recall during our review in PERC, and a Med Tech board top-notches shared to us, I also believe that, “If it’s for you, He will give it. If it’s not, He will not. If it’s not yet the right time, He will not.” I really believed that. So the only thing I hope for is that I am already worthy of it so God will give it to me now. It’s just that right now, I still don’t know -- tomorrow will I.

Board Examination Day part 2.5

At the apartment:

Drained… Drained… Drained…

It’s now over. It’s all over. I had already done my part. I had already the final throw of all my hard work for these past five months. For the rest, I can’t do anything about it anymore… It all depends on Him now…

I feel bad. Still I wasn’t able to hear the comforting words I want to hear from my companies here at apartment. Instead, they are even sending me more stress. While ago as soon as I enter the door, Kuya who is since a one-time-board-exam-taker-passer has a gut to ask me, “What now, do we already need to prepare a tarpaulin?” Yesterday, before I leave, Daddy told me, “Top the boards! Top the boards, okay? Do your best! You can do it!” Honestly, I don’t like it. I hate it. I really hate it. What I mean is they’re saying it like it’s just as simple as that. Isn’t it not okay if they only hope for me “to just pass only” or “to pass first”? Not only they pressure me, but they also didn’t even know how to do something, not even anything, to help me do well in this.

Yesterday after arriving, I was so pissed. I went home thinking of reviewing more for this day, the second day of board exam immediately as soon as I got home -- because the first day didn’t actually went well. However, as soon as I have arrived apartment, I saw several tasks to be done. After doing the chores and when finally I decided to start my readings, I still couldn’t because I have no quiet place to do my thing. I mean, they know that the living room is basically my room, but they still turned the TV on with a loud volume. That just really made my head hurt like hell. I couldn’t concentrate anymore. I lose my drive to review. I even went to the kitchen instead. While still trying very hard to read that night, I felt like crying. I was mad at them. I felt like they are so inconsiderate and so numb. I thought that they just don’t realized how hard what I was undergoing.

It was just too much that I even appreciate other people more -- for example, our Ma’am Secretaries of PERC -- than them. They are really so supportive. Since yesterday, the first day of our boards, they are already in front of the university gate, even earlier than us, the examinees. Now, it’s Sunday, the last day of our boards, and they are still there. I salute them for that.

And most especially Mommy. I was able to finally talk to her on the phone while ago. Though only through text message, she’s the only one whom I was able to express my anxiety about my upcoming boards during these last few days. I was randomly but constantly sending her sad and crying faces… and she fully understands how I felt. By merely replying, “Why are you crying again?” I already felt comforted. I remember her text I received yesterday afternoon, she said, “Anak, good luck sa exam mo. God bless!” I actually didn’t reply to her. And while ago, she texted me again, asking how’s my exam and if is it already over. That’s when I replied to her, “Tapos na po… Hintay na lang ng himala. Kadadating ko apartment. Kain na muna…” at 19:51 pm. Then I decided to call her, and we had a good talk. I love her. I really love her.

Board Examination Day part 2

I just finished organizing ALL of my reviewers. I suddenly realized I was amazing. And why is that? I finished all of those notes! For real? I can’t believe it. What a preparation for boards. Three months? Four months? Almost five months! However, after the exam while ago, I feel like those are actually all useless. The board exam is so......

I woke up early again today. I thought I should have a final wrap up for today’s subjects. I wasn’t contented with my too much disturbed and troubled readings last night. When it was time, I then started preparing myself. Without having a breakfast, I took a bath and changed into uniform. I get my things, and then I went on.

It was Sunday, so there were really only few people outside at that early time. Riding the jeepney didn’t become so hard. It was an easy trip to the university. I and MLA decided to just meet up at the building and not at the gate anymore. Both of us knew where to go and what to do upon entering the gate anyway. When I was climbing the stairs, I suddenly heard somebody called my name. Of course I was watching my steps by then, so I raised my head to search for that someone. I saw a group on the straight way up, but I knew no one among them. I heard another call, that time more people shouted my name. I followed the sound and there I finally saw where they are. I joined the group which was basically encompassing a big area on the corridor already. After some time, they started to become a little noisy, and so I decided to distant a little from them to have some reading myself. Until it was almost near time, so we dispersed to our own examination rooms.

Back to Room 319, we had a new pair of proctors just like what our previous proctors said yesterday. We underwent same process like during the first day. Our documents and everything else were checked. Our schedule for the day was presented on the board. We have the last three subjects for today -- Hematology, Immunology-Serology-Blood Banking and Histopathology-Medical Technology Laws and Ethics with Laboratory Management respectively. Afterwards, we were given spare time to do our own things. One moment and all of a sudden, I felt like some cold water was just poured unto me. I read on the board. Hema then ISBB. Hema first and ISBB second. Hema before and ISBB after. Oh my! I thought it was vice versa! That was why I chose to read the later while waiting before then, and to review the former after our first exam! But then I would learn that was the sequence?! I just shook my head in disappointment. I was a dead meat. But what could I do, it was there already so just let it be.

While waiting, something happened unexpectedly. We were told that there would be some delay due to some problems regarding the test papers. Our proctors added that we could just still have our review first. Well, that was something! I almost jumped at my chair! What a blessing in disguise! I immediately got my Hema notes and started scanning it. After some time, RJLA went to me and ask something. I answered him with the use of my reviewer. The next thing I know, I just let him have my reviewer. Until I realized what mistake I just did. What was I going to read by then? I was so stupid. If only not because… Tsk tsk tsk. Haha. I remembered I have a soft copy of my notes on my phone, so I just resolved with it. That was a good thing. Haha! So the delay went longer than expected that I was able to even finish my scan. I was at least more ready by then than the first moment that we should have taken the exam. And though I hate group reviews, most especially when I don’t have a good personal review yet, I was even able to pair review with a friend and former classmate / school mate whose seat is behind me.

Until finally the problem was solved, so it was already time. We first prayed again and the exam had officially started. The next happenings were almost a replay of yesterday. It was 4 or 5 pm when we finished all the exams. After meeting up with RJLA and MLA outside on the hallways, we could see inexpressible different emotions in each other faces.

Since it’s the last day of board exam -- our last time in UE, we decided to do some rounds before leaving. We walked through the hallways. We stared at the university monument. We went through other buildings from one entrance to another. We passed by the Chapel. We searched for their well-known garden -- though not open. We were basically like inspectors. Haha. At least in that way, we forgot the reason and purpose why we were there in the first place. Well for me, I felt extra happy -- being with a best friend and a c-r-u-s-h at the same time. Haha! And oh, I remember! I almost trip at one point by then because though it was just a low downward step, it was wet due to the rain -- and remember, I wore heels? And both of them immediately held my hand to prevent me from completely falling! Haha. After our ‘sight-seeing’ hehe, we then decided to go home.

The Cross

Mass today is a special one. We are celebrating the "Feast of the Elevation of the Holy Cross", or "Feast of the Holy Cross" alone. I didn’t even know it; I just realized it when the priest started talking. So that’s why his clothes and even the previous presider are somewhat different -- I mean, it looks something special because as far as I know, usually it’s green but today it’s red. So that’s it.

Anyway, I love the Mass today. The priest looks new to me, but I think I have already attended a mass whom he presided. I think I have just forgotten -- or maybe not really at all?? Anyway, I liked him. I really learned something new from him. It’s this.

“Ang tao, kapag sinabi mong ‘Krus’, madalas ang unang naiisip ay problema -- kahirapan -- pasakit -- lahat ng negative na bagay sa mundo -- as in mabigat ang pasan na krus, ibig sabihin mabigat ang pasan na problema. Pero, mali iyon. Nakakalimutan ng tao ang totoong kahulugan ng Krus. Ito ay ang kaligtasan -- kaginhawaan -- blessing -- dahil nang pinasan at nagpapako sa Krus si Jesus, nawala at nailigtas na ang lahat ng tao mula sa kasalanan -- sa kaparusahan -- sa kamatayan. So ang talagang meaning ng Krus ay positive, hindi negative.

Makapangyarihan ang krus. Kaya nga may 'Sign of the Cross'. Kailan ba ito ginagamit? Sa pagdarasal. Minsan ang tao ikinahihiya ang pagsa-sign of the Cross. Pero hindi dapat. Mabuti nga ang paggamit nito -- sa lahat ng pagkakataon -- sa paggising, “Thank you God sa bagong araw. Sana maging maganda ito.” -- sa pagsakay sa jeep, “Sana po hindi madisgrasya o ma-holdap ang jeep na ito.” -- sa pag-take ng exam, “Sana po pumasa ako dito.” So ano talaga ang meaning ng Cross? Ibig sabihin, kaligtasan. The Cross is never a burden. It’s a blessing. So mahalin natin ang Cross. Gawing habit ang pagsa-sign of the Cross.”

Board Examination Day part 1

I woke up too early -- just almost 3 am -- today. I was too worried that I wouldn’t be able to get up on time. Haha! Up to the last minute, I still tried to scan my notes for the last time. At fast phase. [Deep breath] Then I rechecked my plastic envelop making sure every necessary things were in it. After some time, I already decided to prepare my clothes. Ever since our Baccalaureate Mass, this is the first time I would be wearing my white uniform again. The difference, I would be wearing the black healed-shoes I used during Graduation because the pair of flat shoes I was using during school and internship days was already destroyed. Worried that Mother Nature would suddenly call in the middle of the day, I didn’t eat my breakfast. So I took a bath, and then I was all set.

Though it was still early -- too early for the usual school or university hours -- on my way, I saw several other girls and boys on white uniform holding the same plastic envelop as mine so I supposed they were board exam takers too. I couldn’t recognize anyone -- not even their school through their uniform. Though the area is really familiar to me since it was just near our former university so it was like I was just going school, it felt like I was in a strange place.

After then, I and MLA met outside the gate of UE. Yes, we were of the same assigned university, and building as well -- again! Haha. As we enter the gate of the university, a woman suddenly pulled my blouse’ sleeve and mouthed, “Good luck!” I was a little shocked, not due to the sudden pull, but because as I turned my head towards the woman, I saw Lady Ma’am of PERC, the review center we attended. How supportive they are!

Inside the campus, I realized it was just like one of the buildings in our university. After meeting up with some other former school mates, we then proceed to building SFC and eventually to our rooms. I and MLA have separate classrooms, so I was with RJLA then. Yes, we were not just of the same university and building but also of the same room assignment! Coincidence again? Nah! It’s because of our surnames. Haha.

The proctor was already arranging everyone in their respective seats when I and RJLA arrived at room 319. Because the floor is wooden, I did some scene inside due to my a-little-noisy heels. Hehe. After the sitting arrangement, we did the initial part of the exam: the filling up of the information form. Our documents and everything else were checked. Our schedule for the day was presented on the board. We have three subjects for today -- Clinical Chemistry, Microbiology-Parasitology and Clinical Chemistry respectively. Afterwards, we were given spare time to do our own things. Until it was already time. We first prayed and the exam had officially started.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

It was a cycle of read, think, choose, write, and non-stop shade for the whole time.

[Deep breath] Until I finalized my exam. I passed my first paper. I went outside after. I think I had a blank face by then. I realized I was done ahead of RJLA. I waited for him outside, until he was already sitting beside me on the chairs lining the corridor, too. No one had dared to open a conversation about the just-finished subject. Haha.

While others started to come out of the examination room as well, I and RJLA just waited for the start of the second round. We were accompanied by other friends on the corridor too. Watching for time after time, I was uneasy on my seat mistakenly thinking that we would be taking one test after another, when there was almost more than an hour of breaks set in between. I didn’t really check the time for each subject. How stupid. The others were able to even eat their snack (or breakfast, or lunch?), while others reviewed for the next subject. Since I only had my Apollon reviewer on my hand while I left everything else on my bag including my wallet and phone inside the classroom which was locked by then, I just spent my time scanning it. RJLA was better because at least he had his phone and wallet with him.

So the second exam started.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Again, it was a cycle of read, think, choose, write, and non-stop shade for the whole time. [Deep sigh] I found that next subject harder than the first one.

[Deep breath] Until I finalized it. I passed my second paper. I went outside, that time, bringing my bag along because it was our lunch break then. I looked outside, and saw RJLA. So for that time he was done ahead of me. We went to see MLA on her exam room on the other side of the corridor. While waiting for her, we just talked -- still avoiding the topic about the exam. Haha. When MLA was done, we then decided to have our lunch together.

We went outside the university, and on the gate, RJLA was greeted by their lecturers on ACTS. So that was really the feeling of having people supporting behind your back. It was really touching. So we ate at a nearby McDonald’s chain -- in a little hurry. No room for being late. Haha. We saw other board takers around as well. When we were done, we immediately went back to UE.

It was still early actually so we, along with other friends and former school mates just waited and stood by on the corridors. Anyway, where else we could be when the classrooms were locked again? Hehe. There was no escape by then. They started talking about the previous exams. I just didn’t engage in it and decided to do some readings for the last but not the least subject. Haha. Until it was time, we went to our own exam rooms

So the third exam started.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Again, it was a cycle of read, think, choose, write, and non-stop shade for the whole time. [Deep deep sigh] Clinical Microscopy. This is the subject our PERC lecturers told us that the previous board exam takers found the hardest. By then, I totally agreed to that.

For the last time of this day, I took a deep breath and finalized my exam. I passed my third paper, and packing up all my things, I got out of the examination room.

WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I really wanted to scream by then. I just couldn’t. Haha. I, RJLA and MLA met up outside, and we decided to go home to prepare for the second and last day of our board exam tomorrow.

On my way home, there was just one thing running on my mind -- I need to read -- more -- again -- later -- after I got home.

Approaching Like a Storm

This is it pansit! For the rarest chance, this time I seriously prepared for just an exam. The reason? This one is not just a simple exam. It isn’t like those taken during school days. This is something that will have a big impact to what I am now, and it absolutely involves not just my immediate future, but my far far future. This will change my life forever.

And right now, ayaw pa rin talaga paawat. I do not want to stop! I do not want to stop reading! I feel like I’m not yet ready for tomorrow, despite the fact that for months -- almost five months, I’ve done nothing but review, review and review. 

Power of Words

So many texters. All are words of encouragement.

“Friends, kaya natin to anumang mangyari may purpose si God. Kaya natin to RMT. Magdasal tayong bigyan tayo ng magandang araw bukas. Let’s go friends.” --- 14:08, MM

“Please Pass. 10 pm tonight to Sunday night, sabay-sabay po tayong magdasal para po sa boards, from Doc JE. Salamat. God bless RMTs.” --- 16:21, JMN; 17:11, JRS

“Good luck and God bless to you RMT! Claim it.” --- 18:28, EM

“May God bless us all with His abundant grace! Let’s all claim and declare His power over us, because this is His battle! FUTURE RMTs!!! Claim it! Trust Him and trust yourself. Good night.” --- 20:47, AGA

“Hi everyone! Are you ready for tomorrow? Yes! God bless you, galingan niyo ha! You’ll be in my prayers. Be confident to the will of the Lord. Trust Him fully. Don’t doubt. Don’t let fear stop or eat you. Kaya niyo yan!” --- 21:26, RL

“Guys, good luck bukas. Kayang-kaya niyo iyan! Focus. Focus. And PRAY. God bless you all. Mwaaa!” --- 21:49, Ma’am  LSG 

"For I am the Lord your God who takes a hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you’- Isaah 41:13. Let’s give our best tomorrow and in Sunday knowing that God loves us so much and His love endures forever. God bless! Congratulations RMT!” --- 22:29, SJO

Catching up

It feels good to chat with RJLA… again… after a long time. I suddenly realized that I miss him.

White Flag

I think I suddenly passed the "Anxiety Stage". Now, I feel different. It's more like, I will call it the "Surrender Stage".

Well, right now, I feel like I already surrendered that no matter what the outcome of the boards will be, I am ready to accept it. It's because, I feel like I have already done what I could -- that I can't do anything about it anymore. So I am just leaving out all the rest -- I'm just leaving out all the rest… to Him. It's what I can only think of right now. I just hope there will not be a "Depression Stage" after this.

Anxiety Attack

Oh Emmmmmm!!!!!! Only 3 days to go and it's already boards!!!!!! I'm really nervous… Huhu… I wanna cry… No, I'm crying now….

I am even talking in the air while ago… while doing my things. It seems like I am going insane...

Epic Fail

Last night, I made a good plan for today, but now I just failed to do it. I wanted to attend the Mass for Mama Mary's birthday, and I decided to take the 6:30 am so that then I would leave for our 8 am rationalization at PERC right after the Mass. It was supposedly a perfect schedule. The problem, I didn't wake up in time. Not that I just wasn't able to get up early but because I was able to sleep almost time to wake up so what can I do? Not just the Mass I missed, but most especially our rationalization. Though I knew there were also 5-, 6- and 7 pm Masses, I still wasn't able to go because it rained. Ahmm, I admit that wasn't even considered an acceptable reason for not to be able to attend the Mass, but it was because that was just so me. Honestly, I'm the type of person who doesn’t really like going out. Shine, or most especially rain, I hate going outside -- well of course, unless if it's really part of my routine, just like for example during school and internship days. So I really resented myself for it.

I am not feeling so well. It feels like I will be catching cold, which I really hope not. But I just look at my throat in the mirror, and it is swollen. My gums at my molar tooth's area are painful. It makes me think that my wisdom tooth is already appearing, but they're not. Then I stupidly accidentally sprayed my deodorant on my eyes, which was I thought is directed at my underarm, but is not and instead at my face. That was just so stupid of me, really. Haha. Now, I'm suffering because my eyes are a little cloudy that I can't read and review well anymore.

Reconciliation, Concern and Praying

Part 1

"Kung mayroon kang kaalitan, kausapin mo. Iyon ang pinakaunang dapat gawin ng tao kapag may di pagkakaunawaan o di pagkakaintindihan. Sa paraang iyon lang, maaari nang magkaayos ang mga taong magkaaway. Kung ayaw niyang makinig, magdala ka ng ibang taong makikinig sa inyo, sa side niyong dalawa -- dahil ang dalawang magkaalitan ay may sariling side at parehong may masasabi. Kung hindi pa rin effective, dalhin mo siya sa Church.

Actually, hindi para malaman kung sino talaga ang tama at mali ang gusto ni Lord na mangyari. Ang gusto niya ay ang magkaayos ang dalawang taong may di pagkakaunawaan sa isa't isa. Ang gusto niya ay ang gumawa ang sinuman sa dalawa ng paraan para magkaayos sila, para magkabati sila."

Part 2

"Kung may mali o masamang ginagawa ang kapwa mo, itama mo. Dahil kapag namatay siya nang hindi mo itinatama ang pagkakamali niya, nasa iyo ang guilt. Pero kapag sinubukan mong itama siya ngunit hindi siya nakinig, kapag namatay siya, nasa kanya ang guilt.

Madalas ang iniisip ng tao, mas mabuti na lang na huwag nang makialam. Play safe na lang, para walang problema, walang gulo. Pero sabi ni Lord, mali iyon. Dapat may pakialam ka. Sin of commitment kasi kapag di mo sinubukang itama ang pagkakamali ng iba. Gusto ni Lord, may pakialam ka sa ibang tao, dahil sa mata niya, magkakapatid lahat ng tao. At kapag may pakialam ka sa kapwa mo, sign ito ng pagmamahal sa kapwa, at ang pagmamahal sa kapwa ay pagmamahal sa Diyos. So love your neighbor. "

Part 3

"Sa pagdarasal, mas mabuti ang may kaisahan, kung mas maraming tao ang nagdarasal para sa iisang hangarin, mas malaki ang chance na mapakinggan at maibigay ito. Sabi nga, "The family that prays together… iisa lang ang rosary." Haha! Adopted joke lang. Ang totoo talaga, "The family that prays together, stays together."

Sa pagdarasal, dapat with confidence . Dapat wala nang hiya-hiya. Dapat sabihin mo nang diretso, walang ligoy-ligoy, buong puso at may faith -- may faith na magkakatotoo ito. So dapat present tense. Hindi "Sana gumaling ako." Dapat, "Magaling na ako!" Sa pagdarasal, dapat with conviction! Dapat claim it! Dahil kung ganoon ka magdasal, ibig sabihin nangyari na ito. Nandoon ang paniniwala mo kay Lord."

----- Fr. Erik Santos

Change Dress Code

I feel so random today. It's been a week now since our pre-boards, and now is our rationalization. I don't know.

But hey, I have a different dress code for today! I wear a black and white floral mini skirt paired with a cream-colored blouse and a peach cardigan, matched with my red rubber shoes-like designed doll shoes. It's not planned actually. I thought of wearing just pants in the first place, but I saw these clothes so I tried it on -- and boom, I like it! So I decided to wear these. Haha. Anyway, I haven’t worn this yet before, so I think this is a perfect time, since I'm also inspired to look pretty now. Why? Hmm… If you’re with me right now, you’ll know…

I can see Sir E. I can really see him. He is in front. Yes, he is in front!!!!!! And I'm so happy!!!!! I miss him so much…

Invisible Mask

I was kinda hyper today. I even tried to funny talk to Kuya. But he just ignored me. -_-

People of this apartment just don't know how I really feel right now. Honestly, I am so full of worriedness and anxiety and nervousness and uneasiness -- like almost all negative energy inside me want to explode like,

“Goshhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! September na talaga!!!!!!!! Huwaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! Deep breath! Deep breath! Deep breath! Hoooooooo! Kaya ito! Fight! Lord, please I need your help...”

Instead, all my feelings are coming out metachromatically. For everybody's sake, I'm such a great pretender. I wear an invisible mask on my face.

Mixed Day First

ANA and I did some food buying while ago. After a long time, this is a first time… again. I mean, the "we" part. Well, I don't even remember the last time we did it together. It was always either she or I who do the buying, and that is, alone. Haha. I actually miss it so even though it was tiring and heavy (hehe), I can say that I enjoyed it.

By the way, it's Abegail's first baby and my first Godchild, Chellian Gail's birthday today. I just remembered while ago when we were out. (The day I learned about her pregnancy)

And Oh Em!!!! It's September already!!!!!

Crucial Time

I'm afraid my review for this week’s going to fail. It's because I didn't attend the Sunday Mass. So what's the connection? I noticed that every time I wasn't able to attend the Sunday mass, my week becomes a total disaster; otherwise, the opposite. Well, I believe it's all about my spiritual stability. I just really hope this week's an exemption. Anyway, I always pray naman -- though not the formal one, like what is done in the Church during Mass, and I always talk to God in my mind every time. Ahhhh!!!! I don't know. Right now is my most crucial time. I just hope… I just really hope..

The Reply

I woke up at almost 10 am -- not mentioning the earlier time when I was first awakened just to see Kuya poking at my face so I got irritated that I hit his hands. Oh well that's all I could even remember because obviously I was still out of myself by then. All I know is I went back to sleep after that and so as I was saying, I woke up again and it's already 9:48 am to be exact. Nothing really significant about that actually. What really my point is what happened just upon I woke up.

I have a text message -- it's from Mommy. It says, "Papasa ka. Always think positive anak. Kaya mo iyan, anak. Pray and make it. God will bless you."

Dot. Dot. Dot. Until it finally sank in to me. It was a reply to my message last night (or should I say while ago at passed midnight?), when I ask her what if I didn't pass the board exam. Honestly, I was o touched. At last, I got even a slight tint of comfort and support that I was long looking for since my review have started. Finally. And I was grateful for it. Thank you for your words Ma. But I didn't send a text back to her. At least, my troubles are lessened and I can work on it again now.

Then another message which immediately follows the former says, "Please anak, makipagbati ka na kay Ate mo bago ka man mag-take ng board exam mo. Okay?"

Ha. Haha. Hahaha! For this one, I am so speechless. I don't know but several thoughts just suddenly entered my mind. What is that? I mean, what is the meaning of that message? I don't get it exactly. She is asking me to reconcile with whom? Me? To her? Before I take the board exam? With even time limit? He. Hehe. Hehehe. I think she got it all wrong. I am not the one who did wrong, so why am I the one you're asking to? I have done nothing wrong. Ahm, well, I think I have. But just that, when I became so hurt that I don't talk to her anymore after that day. Since that day, I act like I don't see her. I act like I don't hear her. I act like I don't care about her, whether she is here or not. That I even like it more if she is not around. Hahahaha. Anyway, she's the one that you should ask 'coz in the first place, she's the one at fault. If she's willing to, then it's okay then. Honestly, I don't really care about that matter anymore. Just like what I am always saying, I know, if it's time, it will be. Just like what happened yesterday. It's really a miracle that she started talking to me, so I talked to her in return. But that's just all.

But why so suddenly Mommy? You seriously think that we're still not okay here even if you're faraway. How amazing. Because it's actually the truth. Even if it's almost a long time ago now, you know that things aren't settled yet. You're really something. But you even try to ask me what? Why? Oh yeah, you don't want us to be fighting with each other.

But why did you say "before I take the board exam?" I felt scared suddenly. Is it something that is related to my exam? Are you praying to god for me to pass? But first, I have to reconcile first? Huhu. What should I do now?!

Silent Scream

Time and days really run so fast! Huhu! I really feel so nervous!!!! Whenever anything related to our upcoming board exam comes into my mind, I feel like chilling that my body literally shakes like a scared cat! What to do now? I just realized last day, during our mocked boards that things are really getting serious now. The deadline for filling an application for board exam at PRC had already passed. It just means everybody who registered are now officially taking the exam on 13 and 14! And I'm one of them!!! Now… Now… Now… No more time to joke! No more time to relax! No more time to waste! No more… No more… No more… Waaaahhhhhh!!!!! I can't stop breathing deeply and sighing! I think this is what our lecturers at PERC told us before -- the pre-boards anxiety. Huhuhu! I'm so worried…

Worse, I don't even have anyone to talk about it! I don't feel like opening this to any of my siblings, neither Daddy nor Mommy. But just while ago, I texted Mommy saying, "Ma, what if I didn't pass the boards?" Haaaaaaa. Anyway I know she will not be able to read it immediately because maybe, but obviously, she's fast asleep now. So I've got the guts to text her like that. Hehe. Though no response, which actually I am not expecting and I am really hoping, I somehow feel lighter and a little less bothered now. I'll just wait until tomorrow if she will send me a text back. Hmmm… I just hope…….

A Miracle

A miracle just happened while ago. Hehe. Ate did some cleaning. She even talked to me. Oh well, not actually the long chatty chitchat. Just the question asking if I already ate. I know it's not really because she's concerned to me, but just for her to know if she's going to finish all the food already or not. Haha. But I still think it's really a big miracle, 'coz I know we're still not in good terms until now. I know there's still tension between us. Anyway I know things are going to fall at the right places at the right time at the right circumstance, so just let it be.

Blushing

What's happening to me? I've been relating almost all love songs that I hear on myself lately… Waaahhhh!!!! Just like this song, "If loving you with all my heart is crime, then I'm guilty…" Hahaha! So feeling in love ^_^

Don't Quit

OMG! I really feel so unstable. Getting more and more nervous each day… But at least there are things that can calm me. Just like what is written on the last page of our additional review notes hand out. It says, "DON'T QUIT." It just never fails to make me smile, and feel like, "Okay then, I will not!" By the way, why would I? Of course, I will not!

And Yeah, I Escaped

Today was supposed to be the second (and last) day of our mocked board exam. I didn't attend it.

The main purpose of this mocked board exam is to assess us… to evaluate if we're ready yet for the real one. Well, that's actually the funny part. It's because whether I will or will not take the pre-boards, I already know the answer. And it's a shameful and guilty but honest "NO".

So that's the reason I thought, why bother, I'll just continue my self-review… Anyway, I still had a chance to get what I missed today on our scheduled rationalization days.

Oh, Oh

First day of mocked board exam... Waaaahhhh!!!!! I was so nervous… at first. But as soon as the exam started and progressed, my anxiety was replaced by difficulty and helplessness and soon impatience and defeat.

What Makes my Heart Break

I'm listening to the FM radio… and the current topic is "What makes your heart break?"

For me, the thing that breaks my heart is when we, in the family are not in good terms. I mean, misunderstandings and silent wars and the like… I am very aware that we have lots of it. And I can't take it. Yes, I can act as if it's just nothing, that I am already used to it, so it doesn't affect me anymore, and I don't care about it anymore, like anyway it's going to be fixed by itself when it's time. But actually, deep inside, it really hurts me being in trouble with any of our family members. This is most especially when they misunderstand me, being the type who is so inexpressive. Sometimes, it's so weird when I just suddenly found myself crying. Well, that's just so me, which obviously they don't know.

Hard Feelings

So tired… but at least I also feel fulfilled. I just finished the laundry and I was able to do some cleaning, too. But! It seems that I still have done nothing. My previous laundry is still unfolded! Gaaaahhh!!! I can't believe it. I graduated college just to become a house-girl. Sometimes I think what if I just work as a real maid, and then at least I can already earn my own money! But this? I am serving my siblings. What else can I do? Every day, I am the only one who is not going anywhere else, and is just staying left here in the apartment while they are away.

But hellooo! I am preparing for my boards for this coming September!!! Can they also do me a favor, even just sometimes? I am grateful at least ANA does. She knows my problem and right now, we are the ones who can really understand each other, hence can depend on each other only.

ANAAAAA! Come home now!!! Why did you leave me, with Kuya, whose full attention is currently on the computer and internet?! He doesn't even voluntarily prepare food (anyway when did he?) knowing that I am already tired of what I have just done?! What?! Is he still expecting and waiting me to cook?! Really! So hateful. I am already hungryyyy. And he just bought a coffee… for himself… only. [Sigh] Is this what working and earning own money can do? I swear, when time comes when I already have a job and is also earning my own money, I will not be like them.

Okay, that's it for now. I still have to start and finish my review. Huhuhu! I am so doomed! Our mocked board exam is already on Wednesday, yet I am still not finished with 5 subjects! Worse, all of the previous subjects that I am done reviewing seemed like gone-like-the-wind again! I have to reread those ones again… Gosh!!! I am really running out of time!!! I'm so worried and nervous now… September. September. September!!!! Good thing I was able to attend the Sunday Mass yesterday. Somehow, I felt peaceful even just for a moment. Well, it's because only during Mass and when I'm inside the Church that I can find peace. That really helps me a lot. Okay okay. That's it. End.

The Leader & the Followers

"May tinalaga si Jesus na mamuno sa Church niya - si Peter. Sa kanya binigay ang susi nito. Kung anuman ang payagan niya sa lupa, papayagan sa langit. Kung anuman ang ipagbawal niya sa lupa, ipagbabawal sa langit. Siya ang in-appoint ni Jesus to lead his people.

Ngayon, ang kilalang pinakapinuno ng Catholic Church is ang Santo Papa - at present, si Pope Francis. Sakto, naghahanda ang bansa para sa kanyang Papal Visit on 2015. Lahat masaya at excited for this. Madami ang may gustong makita and makaharap siya. Imagine, isang makapangyarihan and mataas na tao, pupunta sa bansa? Hindi ito nangyayari araw-araw.

Pero kung ito man ang reason kaya masaya ang madaming tao sa pagdating niya, hindi daw magiging masaya si Pope Francis. Mas magiging masaya siya kung ang reason ng mga tao ay gusto ng mga tao na i-lead sila ni Pope sa buhay na ayon sa buhay ni Jesus."

To be honest, isa ako sa mga taong excited sa Papal Visit. The first time I heard about it, ang una ko talagang naisip ay sana ma-witness ko iyon. Sana makita ko din si Pope. Kahit sa malayo lang. Kahit di ko talaga siya malapitan. Kahit sandali lang. Basta gusto ko lang makapunta sa place na pupuntahan niya, kung anuman meron doon, Mass or whatever. I swear, malaki magiging impact nito sa akin kung mangyari man iyon.

Naalala ko kasi iyong nabasa kong column sa newspaper about sa isang bata na nakapunta sa wake ni Pope John Paul II dati. Hindi ko na ma-sha-share iyong exact story. Basta ang masasabi ko lang, sobra akong na-amazed sa experience niya. As in, wow. Nakaramdam ako ng parang envy. Napakaswerte niya. I mean, sobra, nabasa ko lang iyon pero I felt like parang na-experience ko din mismo -- to the point na kung anumang naging effect ng experience na iyon sa child author na iyon, iyon din ang effect sa akin. Nabasa ko palang iyon, so paano pa kapag nangyari na siya sa akin personally?

And so, nagkaroon ako ng hopeful dream na sana dumating din iyong time na magkaroon ako ng chance to experience something like that. Not totally as in ganoon talaga. Basta something like that lang. Not to be boast of, but to be a stepping stone for my Christian life. Kaya itong Papal visit, wow, this is it. 2015 pa iyon. Paghahandaan ko.

Back to the homily… Hehe. Di pa tapos iyon. Haha. "Kung may leader daw ang Catholic Church, siyempre, sino naman pinag-le-leader-an niya? Ang mga tao. And tayo iyon -- ang mga members ng Catholic Church. And kung ang leader merong responsibility, siyempre ang members meron din. We, as members of the Church, wala man tayong malaking responsibility nang gaya sa leader natin, mayroon pa rin tayong dapat gawin. What is that? To express our faith in God. But not only through attending Masses. Not only through giving offerings. But most especially through making good things and not making bad things to other people. Iyon ang most important thing to do as members of the Church." Oops, medyo natamaan yata ako doon. Haha.

Pinched

[Deep sigh] I felt in love…

I just finished reading, "Never Talked Back to a Gangster". And I'm so into it! I never expected that I was able to finish it first even before I am done with my review. I wasn't able to withdraw myself even if I already know that I'm running out of time. Actually, it's the very main reason why my prepared schedule became so useless. Haha. I can't believe I wasted my precious time with that not-so-important matter. But what can I do? I was hooked into the story, like I was just watching a series. And too late, I found myself non-stop reading it instead of my notes.

Now, I am even more distracted because the story just pinched the sleeping part of me where the hidden thought of love lies.

Contact Number

Nakakaasar. Not really as in a bad way, but as in nakakaasar dahil nakakahiya. Grabe kasi! Sobra na akong nabibisto ng younger sister ko.

Naki-text kasi siya sa akin. Unexpectedly, pagka-type niya ng first few numbers ng i-te-text niya, gumana suddenly ang autosearch.

"Oh my God!” sabay sobrang tawa.

Ito ang reaction niya kaya bigla akong napalingon patingin sa kanya. Nakatalikod kasi ako sa kanya noong una.

Nang pinakita niya sa akin ano meron, nakita ko, ang lumabas iyong mobile number ni Sir E! FYI, kilala niya by name si Sir E -- at first alam niya lang na may crush akong lecturer namin, until na-discover na rin niya his name noong once na hiniram din niya phone ko and di ko alam nag-browse na pala sa gallery ko so nakita niya mga saved photos ni Sir E and nabasa niya sa one of the photos full name ni Sir E -- there she have it.

[Sigh] Nakakaasar talaga. Parang nagmumukha tuloy na napaka-stalker ko na. Pero hindi naman talaga as in ganoon. Hindi ko hinahanap iyong number niya. Nakita ko lang dati, accidentally, so naisip ko lang na i-save. Pero wala naman akong balak na contact-in siya. Actually matagal na nga iyon and nakalimutan ko na nga rin na meron pala akong number niya. Promise talaga. Pero ihhhhhh……

Napabawi na lang ako ng tingin and tinuloy ko na uli ginagawa ko. Pero ito kasing usyuserang ito, nakakaloko. Mang-asar ba naman ng

"Ayiiiiieeeee!!!!!"

Ahhhhh!!!! Di ko tuloy mapigilang ngumiti kahit ayoko. Nakakahiya talaga. Hahaha.

Helpless

I'm feeling so helpless. Naiiyak ako. I'm so bothered. Really.

Masiyado na ba akong nagiging selfish? Sobra na ba akong nagiging self-centered? Sarili ko na lang naiisip ko? Nakikita ko? Naaalala ko? Masiyado na ba akong nag-fo-focus na lang sa paghihirap ko? Di ko iniintindi ang iba?

Pero itong ginagawa ko di naman para sa sarili ko. Well, maybe, siguro nga, part. Pero ang dahilan naman talaga kung bakit sobra akong nag-fo-focus sa pagre-review -- na halos dahil dito ay wala na akong ibang ginagawa kundi umupo (which is not exactly true coz I made it sure na tapos ko na lahat ng trabaho before ako magsubsob sa aking mga books), as if ako na ang pinakatamad na tao sa mundo, na halos maaway ko na kahit sino pa man basta wrong timing as if ako na ang pinakamasungit and pinaka-sensitive na tao sa mundo -- is because gusto ko nang matapos ito. Gusto ko nang matapos ang kalokohan na ito. Dahil after this, if I have succeeded with this objective, madali ko nang magagawa ang next step! And what is that? To work! Bakit gusto ko nang mag-work? Not actually totally for myself but for them! For them! For them… dahil kapag nasa point na iyon na ako, obviously, kaya ko nang maibalik all ng mga ginawa or nagawa nila for me. Finally magkakaroon na ako ng worth para sa kanila. And not just a younger sister na overly dependent pa sa kanila coz I'm still nothing. Worthless. Useless. Independable. Which is exactly who I am right now.

And yet napakahirap. Napakasakit. Sobra. Kahit gaano pa pala kaganda ang reason and purpose ng ginagawa ko, ang lumalabas and napapansin lang is ang negative side.

Runaway

I hate this place. Sana pala tinuloy ko na lang talaga iyong plan ko before na umalis muna dito sa apartment after review class. Selfish na kung selfish pero sobra namang disadvantage ngayon ang inabot ko. Hindi lang physical and mental preparation ang naaapektuhan, pati pa ang pinakaimportanteng bagay na need talaga mahanda before taking a licensure exam -- ang emotional aspect. Hirap na nga ma-settle ang knowledge part, dadagdag pa ang pressure and bad vibes and all kinds of negative energy galing sa environment na ito.

Sobrang thankful tuloy talaga ako. RAMDAM NA RAMDAM ko ang LOVE and SUPPORT ng mga taong inaasahan ko during this kind of situation where I am right now. Sobra talaga --__--

I really want to go out of this place!!!!!! I want to run away!!!!! I want to find another place where I can be peaceful so I can do my things well… Huhu… But where? Where I can find such place? This place is a total opposite of what I need! What can I do…?

Busted

Waaaaahhhhh!!!!!! Not using my time wisely!!! What to do…? This is all because of the stupid story I'm reading since yesterday -- which have stolen the precious time I was supposed to use in reviewing... Huhuhu... I'm so busted!!!!!

I was completely distracted, and I wasn't able to do anything about it. Now, I realized that I'm such a fool and I totally regret it. I really lost something big. I'm so disappointed with myself.

I even read the following message quote that was sent to me yesterday. And ouch! It really does hit me big time.

"You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's a choice."

Work for Your Wish

"Kung anuman ang hiling mo sa Diyos, kailangan mong paghirapan, pagpawisan, pagpaguran. Iyon ang pagsubok Niya kung gaano kalaki ang iyong pananalig sa Kanya. Anuman ang hiling mo sa Kanya, ibibigay niya basta buo at malaki ang iyong pananampalataya at ito ay iyong pinagtrabahuhan."

C-R-U-S-H

So weird. I'm on my bed getting ready to sleep now, and I'm browsing on my phone the saved photos of Sir E. Then the music I'm listening to plays like,

"I remember the days when you're here with me…"

Suddenly, tears just start to flow down my eyes. I felt some kind of sadness.

I wonder why I felt like that so suddenly. It's like… something just hit me… something that's painful…

I don't know if I have to say this, but the truth is, what just made me cry -- though it's not what really the song is saying -- is the thought of admiring someone secretly… and knowing that you can't do anything about it. Thing… which have never occurred to me until now… just suddenly sank in to me. And I just realized… what the hell just happened.

I never actually took “it” seriously. He just really inspires me, and that I admire him so much. A simple crush -- just like that. As in C-R-U-S-H. That's all. But what's that just now? It seemed like… something just told me… that I wanted something different… something more. It was so ambitious of me.

Skip a Beat

I just stopped by Sir E’s page again. Hehe. I think he has a really close family. It’s what I can see in their photos. And he and his brother really look alike. Haha.

I feel motivated again. I looked at the one picture I accidentally found the last time I browsed the internet. It was during our first official review day at PERC -- perhaps, the very day I first saw him (Read it here) -- taken from the back of the room where he --though not so clear -- could be seen in front, with the first slide of his lecture presentation flashing on the board saying, “Welcome to Pioneer” with a smiley.

Just like the first time, I felt my heart skip a beat… I felt my heart beat fast… again! It felt so weird. I mean, I know even just seeing him on a picture can really make me smile and very happy. But that thing -- when my heart beat the same way on the very same moment -- I just don’t know. I can't even express it in words. While I was staring at the photo -- honestly, I’m shy to admit -- but I really felt like melting… Waaahhh!!!! I couldn’t really stare at it for a long time… because… I don’t know!!! Maybe, it’s because… I can really remember that actual moment … that very moment… which also rekindles how I felt on that very moment… my feelings… yes… my feelings on that very moment… What is it? Do you know? Mind enlightening me?

Panic Attack

I've been reviewing earnestly these last few days.

I just realized the sun had never touched my skin since Sunday. Here at the apartment, being left alone by my three siblings -- Kuya and Ate working and ANA going school -- I have done nothing but wake up, wash my face, brush my teeth, fix my tousled hair, open my book, do the cleaning, cooking, dish-washing duties, have some refreshments by taking a bath and watching TV, open my book again, then finally, let my body be at peace in the world of dreams -- not mentioning my in between mini breaks of playing my phone. Haha.

Time and day has been so fast actually. I never noticed that it has been a week now, and I was able to recall only one subject. It’s freaking me out. Anyway, it’s a really full subject so it’s understandable.

Cycle

"Kung kaya mo nang tumulong na magpaaral ng kamag-anak, kapatid, do it. This is to continue the cycle of kindness and respect to excellence." -- BA

I suddenly wonder whether "they" became proud and satisfied of their sacrifices for me after I graduated with honor...

MARK MY WORDS!

I swear:

If I wasn’t able to make it on September board exams, I’ll top the next time I’ll take it.

Random

Woke up at almost 10 am, and I had a bad morning. While the chores were already in line even just before I woke and got up, others in the house would just got up to start their pleasures.

Anyway, I attended mass at an earlier time while ago. I was a little distracted. Our Mass presider was Father “Not Filipino”. I found it difficult to listen and understand his homily. What I heard is something about “Sharing and Saving”. So that’s just it.

My quotes for the day:

“Whenever you see a successful person, you only see the public glories -- never the private sacrifices to reach them.”

“Practice trust. Take risks. Follow signs. Make leaps of faith. Exercise your faith muscle.”

A + E + I

Found pictures of the previous Medical Technology board passers and top notchers on PERC and ACTS Facebook pages. Kind of feel amazed -- and envious -- but most especially -- inspired.

Last

Fed my addiction the whole day. This must be the last for now. My personal review schedule will start tomorrow, and I must follow it. I should, or else it will be my lost.

Home Duty

After all the board exam-related errands, time to do the other way around. Response to duty call: I, I Sir and Ma’am! House chores all done!

One, Two, Three

One

MLA and I filed our board exam application today. So… it’s now official. There’s no turning back!

Two

I gave MLA my late gift -- a bouquet. I surprised her -- I think? I was with her when I bought it after we were done at the PRC. I told her it’s for Mommy because it’s her birthday.  I was holding it until we were able to ride a jeepney. Before she got off, I reached it to her. I knew she wouldn’t be able to speak or even react anymore after it (obviously, the jeepney wouldn’t wait) but it’s okay. Anyway, all I wanted is to try to surprise her to compensate for not being able to prepare anything during her real birthday.

Three

As I was saying, it’s Mommy’s birthday. I feel so bad I’m still incapable of having something special for her. I just texted her,

“Poot poot! (This I always use as my introduction line whenever I text either Daddy or Mommy) Happy birthday, Ma. Sorry po, wala akong gift or card para sa  iyo -- greetings lang…”

Know what? She replied,

“Thank you, ayos lang anak. Mag-ingat kayo lagi dyan.”

 See how thoughtful she is? It’s her birthday yet all she thinks is still us...

Complete Name Tag

It’s holiday today because of Eidul-Fitar, so we -- except Ate who went home in the province -- were all present here at the apartment.

In the afternoon, I asked ANA to accompany me to go somewhere. I need ID picture for board exam requirements, so we went to SM San Lazaro. However, it was only after we have arrived at the apartment when I remembered that the photo must have a complete name tag. So hateful.

On Our Own

No more review class starting today so I changed the alarms on my phone. This will be another complete change of routine. But I think my body just got used to waking up before 7 am. Besides, even before when our class were still going on, no matter how late I sleep during the night, I can still automatically wake up even before my alarms. I think it’s the body clock.

So anyway, I was so funny. I spent the whole day planning my schedule for the next days! It was so difficult to decide how to make use most of my time because every single minute is very important now. Review classes are over. We’re on our own now. I need a very very good time management and self-discipline.

I also compiled all of my reviewers. I just wonder if I can finish it all. I checked my test papers PERC returned yesterday. I realized that it’s not really bad because from pre-exam to post-exam to intensive coaching, my ratings are constantly rising. I supposed it means that I am learning, isn’t it?

Ice Cream, Please!

Today, I feel so sad. Huhu.

This is the last day of our review at PERC -- perhaps, the last time that I’ll be able to see Sir E. After this, the only way I can see him is to visit his Facebook account secretly -- which isn’t even completely accessible since we’re not FB friends.

All this is added to my bitterness of seeing others being able to approach him so casually -- which I cannot and I will not do. It’s true that I don’t want to be noticed by him. But watching others being able to get his attention is one different matter. Just like while ago.

What a drama! Hehe. But truthfully speaking, I’m really feeling so sad right now. I want ice cream!!!

Frustrated and Extra Happy

I have no review class yesterday. I stayed at apartment with ANA who has no class either.

I went to bed at 3 am while ago, because I was reviewing for our Hematology intensive coaching today. Because as usual I wasn’t able to finish it, I couldn’t help but to feel so pissed at myself. Why can't I accomplish such an important matter? It isn’t really that hard. And even though it is, it should never be a reason to not achieve it since it is a must. Just like what the song says,

“Kung ayaw, may dahilan. Kung gusto, palaging merong paraan. (If you don’t like, there are several reasons. If you like, there is always a way.)” 

However, still I can't really have a good review because I just can't give my full concentration on it. I have lots of other matters on my mind, just like household matters and such. I’m not as versatile as before anymore, not especially this time.

So anyway, I got 97/150. I feel bad because I really want to get a good score for our intensive coaching. I want to because first, I didn’t do well for my other previous exams, and second, ahm… because of Sir E. Hehe.

Speaking of him, I really can't help myself to be excited for this day. Not because of the exam of course, but because he is our proctor again. Since yesterday, I've been so teenager-like that even ANA noticed my “extra happiness”.

One Left

MLA and I didn’t attend class today. We just decided to take the intensive coaching on Saturday instead since the post-assessment examination and rationalization today is for same subject too. What we did this morning is went to the PRC and bought our community tax certificate. Only one requirement left and we’re ready to file our application.

So this is it. I suddenly feel my determination back. I suddenly feel my great desire to pass the board exam! I suddenly feel my urge to do my best for this battle! Seriously, I really want to accomplish this goal now.