Crucial Time

I'm afraid my review for this week’s going to fail. It's because I didn't attend the Sunday Mass. So what's the connection? I noticed that every time I wasn't able to attend the Sunday mass, my week becomes a total disaster; otherwise, the opposite. Well, I believe it's all about my spiritual stability. I just really hope this week's an exemption. Anyway, I always pray naman -- though not the formal one, like what is done in the Church during Mass, and I always talk to God in my mind every time. Ahhhh!!!! I don't know. Right now is my most crucial time. I just hope… I just really hope..

The Reply

I woke up at almost 10 am -- not mentioning the earlier time when I was first awakened just to see Kuya poking at my face so I got irritated that I hit his hands. Oh well that's all I could even remember because obviously I was still out of myself by then. All I know is I went back to sleep after that and so as I was saying, I woke up again and it's already 9:48 am to be exact. Nothing really significant about that actually. What really my point is what happened just upon I woke up.

I have a text message -- it's from Mommy. It says, "Papasa ka. Always think positive anak. Kaya mo iyan, anak. Pray and make it. God will bless you."

Dot. Dot. Dot. Until it finally sank in to me. It was a reply to my message last night (or should I say while ago at passed midnight?), when I ask her what if I didn't pass the board exam. Honestly, I was o touched. At last, I got even a slight tint of comfort and support that I was long looking for since my review have started. Finally. And I was grateful for it. Thank you for your words Ma. But I didn't send a text back to her. At least, my troubles are lessened and I can work on it again now.

Then another message which immediately follows the former says, "Please anak, makipagbati ka na kay Ate mo bago ka man mag-take ng board exam mo. Okay?"

Ha. Haha. Hahaha! For this one, I am so speechless. I don't know but several thoughts just suddenly entered my mind. What is that? I mean, what is the meaning of that message? I don't get it exactly. She is asking me to reconcile with whom? Me? To her? Before I take the board exam? With even time limit? He. Hehe. Hehehe. I think she got it all wrong. I am not the one who did wrong, so why am I the one you're asking to? I have done nothing wrong. Ahm, well, I think I have. But just that, when I became so hurt that I don't talk to her anymore after that day. Since that day, I act like I don't see her. I act like I don't hear her. I act like I don't care about her, whether she is here or not. That I even like it more if she is not around. Hahahaha. Anyway, she's the one that you should ask 'coz in the first place, she's the one at fault. If she's willing to, then it's okay then. Honestly, I don't really care about that matter anymore. Just like what I am always saying, I know, if it's time, it will be. Just like what happened yesterday. It's really a miracle that she started talking to me, so I talked to her in return. But that's just all.

But why so suddenly Mommy? You seriously think that we're still not okay here even if you're faraway. How amazing. Because it's actually the truth. Even if it's almost a long time ago now, you know that things aren't settled yet. You're really something. But you even try to ask me what? Why? Oh yeah, you don't want us to be fighting with each other.

But why did you say "before I take the board exam?" I felt scared suddenly. Is it something that is related to my exam? Are you praying to god for me to pass? But first, I have to reconcile first? Huhu. What should I do now?!

Silent Scream

Time and days really run so fast! Huhu! I really feel so nervous!!!! Whenever anything related to our upcoming board exam comes into my mind, I feel like chilling that my body literally shakes like a scared cat! What to do now? I just realized last day, during our mocked boards that things are really getting serious now. The deadline for filling an application for board exam at PRC had already passed. It just means everybody who registered are now officially taking the exam on 13 and 14! And I'm one of them!!! Now… Now… Now… No more time to joke! No more time to relax! No more time to waste! No more… No more… No more… Waaaahhhhhh!!!!! I can't stop breathing deeply and sighing! I think this is what our lecturers at PERC told us before -- the pre-boards anxiety. Huhuhu! I'm so worried…

Worse, I don't even have anyone to talk about it! I don't feel like opening this to any of my siblings, neither Daddy nor Mommy. But just while ago, I texted Mommy saying, "Ma, what if I didn't pass the boards?" Haaaaaaa. Anyway I know she will not be able to read it immediately because maybe, but obviously, she's fast asleep now. So I've got the guts to text her like that. Hehe. Though no response, which actually I am not expecting and I am really hoping, I somehow feel lighter and a little less bothered now. I'll just wait until tomorrow if she will send me a text back. Hmmm… I just hope…….

A Miracle

A miracle just happened while ago. Hehe. Ate did some cleaning. She even talked to me. Oh well, not actually the long chatty chitchat. Just the question asking if I already ate. I know it's not really because she's concerned to me, but just for her to know if she's going to finish all the food already or not. Haha. But I still think it's really a big miracle, 'coz I know we're still not in good terms until now. I know there's still tension between us. Anyway I know things are going to fall at the right places at the right time at the right circumstance, so just let it be.

Blushing

What's happening to me? I've been relating almost all love songs that I hear on myself lately… Waaahhhh!!!! Just like this song, "If loving you with all my heart is crime, then I'm guilty…" Hahaha! So feeling in love ^_^

Don't Quit

OMG! I really feel so unstable. Getting more and more nervous each day… But at least there are things that can calm me. Just like what is written on the last page of our additional review notes hand out. It says, "DON'T QUIT." It just never fails to make me smile, and feel like, "Okay then, I will not!" By the way, why would I? Of course, I will not!

And Yeah, I Escaped

Today was supposed to be the second (and last) day of our mocked board exam. I didn't attend it.

The main purpose of this mocked board exam is to assess us… to evaluate if we're ready yet for the real one. Well, that's actually the funny part. It's because whether I will or will not take the pre-boards, I already know the answer. And it's a shameful and guilty but honest "NO".

So that's the reason I thought, why bother, I'll just continue my self-review… Anyway, I still had a chance to get what I missed today on our scheduled rationalization days.

Oh, Oh

First day of mocked board exam... Waaaahhhh!!!!! I was so nervous… at first. But as soon as the exam started and progressed, my anxiety was replaced by difficulty and helplessness and soon impatience and defeat.

What Makes my Heart Break

I'm listening to the FM radio… and the current topic is "What makes your heart break?"

For me, the thing that breaks my heart is when we, in the family are not in good terms. I mean, misunderstandings and silent wars and the like… I am very aware that we have lots of it. And I can't take it. Yes, I can act as if it's just nothing, that I am already used to it, so it doesn't affect me anymore, and I don't care about it anymore, like anyway it's going to be fixed by itself when it's time. But actually, deep inside, it really hurts me being in trouble with any of our family members. This is most especially when they misunderstand me, being the type who is so inexpressive. Sometimes, it's so weird when I just suddenly found myself crying. Well, that's just so me, which obviously they don't know.

Hard Feelings

So tired… but at least I also feel fulfilled. I just finished the laundry and I was able to do some cleaning, too. But! It seems that I still have done nothing. My previous laundry is still unfolded! Gaaaahhh!!! I can't believe it. I graduated college just to become a house-girl. Sometimes I think what if I just work as a real maid, and then at least I can already earn my own money! But this? I am serving my siblings. What else can I do? Every day, I am the only one who is not going anywhere else, and is just staying left here in the apartment while they are away.

But hellooo! I am preparing for my boards for this coming September!!! Can they also do me a favor, even just sometimes? I am grateful at least ANA does. She knows my problem and right now, we are the ones who can really understand each other, hence can depend on each other only.

ANAAAAA! Come home now!!! Why did you leave me, with Kuya, whose full attention is currently on the computer and internet?! He doesn't even voluntarily prepare food (anyway when did he?) knowing that I am already tired of what I have just done?! What?! Is he still expecting and waiting me to cook?! Really! So hateful. I am already hungryyyy. And he just bought a coffee… for himself… only. [Sigh] Is this what working and earning own money can do? I swear, when time comes when I already have a job and is also earning my own money, I will not be like them.

Okay, that's it for now. I still have to start and finish my review. Huhuhu! I am so doomed! Our mocked board exam is already on Wednesday, yet I am still not finished with 5 subjects! Worse, all of the previous subjects that I am done reviewing seemed like gone-like-the-wind again! I have to reread those ones again… Gosh!!! I am really running out of time!!! I'm so worried and nervous now… September. September. September!!!! Good thing I was able to attend the Sunday Mass yesterday. Somehow, I felt peaceful even just for a moment. Well, it's because only during Mass and when I'm inside the Church that I can find peace. That really helps me a lot. Okay okay. That's it. End.

The Leader & the Followers

"May tinalaga si Jesus na mamuno sa Church niya - si Peter. Sa kanya binigay ang susi nito. Kung anuman ang payagan niya sa lupa, papayagan sa langit. Kung anuman ang ipagbawal niya sa lupa, ipagbabawal sa langit. Siya ang in-appoint ni Jesus to lead his people.

Ngayon, ang kilalang pinakapinuno ng Catholic Church is ang Santo Papa - at present, si Pope Francis. Sakto, naghahanda ang bansa para sa kanyang Papal Visit on 2015. Lahat masaya at excited for this. Madami ang may gustong makita and makaharap siya. Imagine, isang makapangyarihan and mataas na tao, pupunta sa bansa? Hindi ito nangyayari araw-araw.

Pero kung ito man ang reason kaya masaya ang madaming tao sa pagdating niya, hindi daw magiging masaya si Pope Francis. Mas magiging masaya siya kung ang reason ng mga tao ay gusto ng mga tao na i-lead sila ni Pope sa buhay na ayon sa buhay ni Jesus."

To be honest, isa ako sa mga taong excited sa Papal Visit. The first time I heard about it, ang una ko talagang naisip ay sana ma-witness ko iyon. Sana makita ko din si Pope. Kahit sa malayo lang. Kahit di ko talaga siya malapitan. Kahit sandali lang. Basta gusto ko lang makapunta sa place na pupuntahan niya, kung anuman meron doon, Mass or whatever. I swear, malaki magiging impact nito sa akin kung mangyari man iyon.

Naalala ko kasi iyong nabasa kong column sa newspaper about sa isang bata na nakapunta sa wake ni Pope John Paul II dati. Hindi ko na ma-sha-share iyong exact story. Basta ang masasabi ko lang, sobra akong na-amazed sa experience niya. As in, wow. Nakaramdam ako ng parang envy. Napakaswerte niya. I mean, sobra, nabasa ko lang iyon pero I felt like parang na-experience ko din mismo -- to the point na kung anumang naging effect ng experience na iyon sa child author na iyon, iyon din ang effect sa akin. Nabasa ko palang iyon, so paano pa kapag nangyari na siya sa akin personally?

And so, nagkaroon ako ng hopeful dream na sana dumating din iyong time na magkaroon ako ng chance to experience something like that. Not totally as in ganoon talaga. Basta something like that lang. Not to be boast of, but to be a stepping stone for my Christian life. Kaya itong Papal visit, wow, this is it. 2015 pa iyon. Paghahandaan ko.

Back to the homily… Hehe. Di pa tapos iyon. Haha. "Kung may leader daw ang Catholic Church, siyempre, sino naman pinag-le-leader-an niya? Ang mga tao. And tayo iyon -- ang mga members ng Catholic Church. And kung ang leader merong responsibility, siyempre ang members meron din. We, as members of the Church, wala man tayong malaking responsibility nang gaya sa leader natin, mayroon pa rin tayong dapat gawin. What is that? To express our faith in God. But not only through attending Masses. Not only through giving offerings. But most especially through making good things and not making bad things to other people. Iyon ang most important thing to do as members of the Church." Oops, medyo natamaan yata ako doon. Haha.

Pinched

[Deep sigh] I felt in love…

I just finished reading, "Never Talked Back to a Gangster". And I'm so into it! I never expected that I was able to finish it first even before I am done with my review. I wasn't able to withdraw myself even if I already know that I'm running out of time. Actually, it's the very main reason why my prepared schedule became so useless. Haha. I can't believe I wasted my precious time with that not-so-important matter. But what can I do? I was hooked into the story, like I was just watching a series. And too late, I found myself non-stop reading it instead of my notes.

Now, I am even more distracted because the story just pinched the sleeping part of me where the hidden thought of love lies.

Contact Number

Nakakaasar. Not really as in a bad way, but as in nakakaasar dahil nakakahiya. Grabe kasi! Sobra na akong nabibisto ng younger sister ko.

Naki-text kasi siya sa akin. Unexpectedly, pagka-type niya ng first few numbers ng i-te-text niya, gumana suddenly ang autosearch.

"Oh my God!” sabay sobrang tawa.

Ito ang reaction niya kaya bigla akong napalingon patingin sa kanya. Nakatalikod kasi ako sa kanya noong una.

Nang pinakita niya sa akin ano meron, nakita ko, ang lumabas iyong mobile number ni Sir E! FYI, kilala niya by name si Sir E -- at first alam niya lang na may crush akong lecturer namin, until na-discover na rin niya his name noong once na hiniram din niya phone ko and di ko alam nag-browse na pala sa gallery ko so nakita niya mga saved photos ni Sir E and nabasa niya sa one of the photos full name ni Sir E -- there she have it.

[Sigh] Nakakaasar talaga. Parang nagmumukha tuloy na napaka-stalker ko na. Pero hindi naman talaga as in ganoon. Hindi ko hinahanap iyong number niya. Nakita ko lang dati, accidentally, so naisip ko lang na i-save. Pero wala naman akong balak na contact-in siya. Actually matagal na nga iyon and nakalimutan ko na nga rin na meron pala akong number niya. Promise talaga. Pero ihhhhhh……

Napabawi na lang ako ng tingin and tinuloy ko na uli ginagawa ko. Pero ito kasing usyuserang ito, nakakaloko. Mang-asar ba naman ng

"Ayiiiiieeeee!!!!!"

Ahhhhh!!!! Di ko tuloy mapigilang ngumiti kahit ayoko. Nakakahiya talaga. Hahaha.

Helpless

I'm feeling so helpless. Naiiyak ako. I'm so bothered. Really.

Masiyado na ba akong nagiging selfish? Sobra na ba akong nagiging self-centered? Sarili ko na lang naiisip ko? Nakikita ko? Naaalala ko? Masiyado na ba akong nag-fo-focus na lang sa paghihirap ko? Di ko iniintindi ang iba?

Pero itong ginagawa ko di naman para sa sarili ko. Well, maybe, siguro nga, part. Pero ang dahilan naman talaga kung bakit sobra akong nag-fo-focus sa pagre-review -- na halos dahil dito ay wala na akong ibang ginagawa kundi umupo (which is not exactly true coz I made it sure na tapos ko na lahat ng trabaho before ako magsubsob sa aking mga books), as if ako na ang pinakatamad na tao sa mundo, na halos maaway ko na kahit sino pa man basta wrong timing as if ako na ang pinakamasungit and pinaka-sensitive na tao sa mundo -- is because gusto ko nang matapos ito. Gusto ko nang matapos ang kalokohan na ito. Dahil after this, if I have succeeded with this objective, madali ko nang magagawa ang next step! And what is that? To work! Bakit gusto ko nang mag-work? Not actually totally for myself but for them! For them! For them… dahil kapag nasa point na iyon na ako, obviously, kaya ko nang maibalik all ng mga ginawa or nagawa nila for me. Finally magkakaroon na ako ng worth para sa kanila. And not just a younger sister na overly dependent pa sa kanila coz I'm still nothing. Worthless. Useless. Independable. Which is exactly who I am right now.

And yet napakahirap. Napakasakit. Sobra. Kahit gaano pa pala kaganda ang reason and purpose ng ginagawa ko, ang lumalabas and napapansin lang is ang negative side.

Runaway

I hate this place. Sana pala tinuloy ko na lang talaga iyong plan ko before na umalis muna dito sa apartment after review class. Selfish na kung selfish pero sobra namang disadvantage ngayon ang inabot ko. Hindi lang physical and mental preparation ang naaapektuhan, pati pa ang pinakaimportanteng bagay na need talaga mahanda before taking a licensure exam -- ang emotional aspect. Hirap na nga ma-settle ang knowledge part, dadagdag pa ang pressure and bad vibes and all kinds of negative energy galing sa environment na ito.

Sobrang thankful tuloy talaga ako. RAMDAM NA RAMDAM ko ang LOVE and SUPPORT ng mga taong inaasahan ko during this kind of situation where I am right now. Sobra talaga --__--

I really want to go out of this place!!!!!! I want to run away!!!!! I want to find another place where I can be peaceful so I can do my things well… Huhu… But where? Where I can find such place? This place is a total opposite of what I need! What can I do…?

Busted

Waaaaahhhhh!!!!!! Not using my time wisely!!! What to do…? This is all because of the stupid story I'm reading since yesterday -- which have stolen the precious time I was supposed to use in reviewing... Huhuhu... I'm so busted!!!!!

I was completely distracted, and I wasn't able to do anything about it. Now, I realized that I'm such a fool and I totally regret it. I really lost something big. I'm so disappointed with myself.

I even read the following message quote that was sent to me yesterday. And ouch! It really does hit me big time.

"You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's a choice."

Work for Your Wish

"Kung anuman ang hiling mo sa Diyos, kailangan mong paghirapan, pagpawisan, pagpaguran. Iyon ang pagsubok Niya kung gaano kalaki ang iyong pananalig sa Kanya. Anuman ang hiling mo sa Kanya, ibibigay niya basta buo at malaki ang iyong pananampalataya at ito ay iyong pinagtrabahuhan."

C-R-U-S-H

So weird. I'm on my bed getting ready to sleep now, and I'm browsing on my phone the saved photos of Sir E. Then the music I'm listening to plays like,

"I remember the days when you're here with me…"

Suddenly, tears just start to flow down my eyes. I felt some kind of sadness.

I wonder why I felt like that so suddenly. It's like… something just hit me… something that's painful…

I don't know if I have to say this, but the truth is, what just made me cry -- though it's not what really the song is saying -- is the thought of admiring someone secretly… and knowing that you can't do anything about it. Thing… which have never occurred to me until now… just suddenly sank in to me. And I just realized… what the hell just happened.

I never actually took “it” seriously. He just really inspires me, and that I admire him so much. A simple crush -- just like that. As in C-R-U-S-H. That's all. But what's that just now? It seemed like… something just told me… that I wanted something different… something more. It was so ambitious of me.

Skip a Beat

I just stopped by Sir E’s page again. Hehe. I think he has a really close family. It’s what I can see in their photos. And he and his brother really look alike. Haha.

I feel motivated again. I looked at the one picture I accidentally found the last time I browsed the internet. It was during our first official review day at PERC -- perhaps, the very day I first saw him (Read it here) -- taken from the back of the room where he --though not so clear -- could be seen in front, with the first slide of his lecture presentation flashing on the board saying, “Welcome to Pioneer” with a smiley.

Just like the first time, I felt my heart skip a beat… I felt my heart beat fast… again! It felt so weird. I mean, I know even just seeing him on a picture can really make me smile and very happy. But that thing -- when my heart beat the same way on the very same moment -- I just don’t know. I can't even express it in words. While I was staring at the photo -- honestly, I’m shy to admit -- but I really felt like melting… Waaahhh!!!! I couldn’t really stare at it for a long time… because… I don’t know!!! Maybe, it’s because… I can really remember that actual moment … that very moment… which also rekindles how I felt on that very moment… my feelings… yes… my feelings on that very moment… What is it? Do you know? Mind enlightening me?

Panic Attack

I've been reviewing earnestly these last few days.

I just realized the sun had never touched my skin since Sunday. Here at the apartment, being left alone by my three siblings -- Kuya and Ate working and ANA going school -- I have done nothing but wake up, wash my face, brush my teeth, fix my tousled hair, open my book, do the cleaning, cooking, dish-washing duties, have some refreshments by taking a bath and watching TV, open my book again, then finally, let my body be at peace in the world of dreams -- not mentioning my in between mini breaks of playing my phone. Haha.

Time and day has been so fast actually. I never noticed that it has been a week now, and I was able to recall only one subject. It’s freaking me out. Anyway, it’s a really full subject so it’s understandable.

Cycle

"Kung kaya mo nang tumulong na magpaaral ng kamag-anak, kapatid, do it. This is to continue the cycle of kindness and respect to excellence." -- BA

I suddenly wonder whether "they" became proud and satisfied of their sacrifices for me after I graduated with honor...

MARK MY WORDS!

I swear:

If I wasn’t able to make it on September board exams, I’ll top the next time I’ll take it.

Random

Woke up at almost 10 am, and I had a bad morning. While the chores were already in line even just before I woke and got up, others in the house would just got up to start their pleasures.

Anyway, I attended mass at an earlier time while ago. I was a little distracted. Our Mass presider was Father “Not Filipino”. I found it difficult to listen and understand his homily. What I heard is something about “Sharing and Saving”. So that’s just it.

My quotes for the day:

“Whenever you see a successful person, you only see the public glories -- never the private sacrifices to reach them.”

“Practice trust. Take risks. Follow signs. Make leaps of faith. Exercise your faith muscle.”

A + E + I

Found pictures of the previous Medical Technology board passers and top notchers on PERC and ACTS Facebook pages. Kind of feel amazed -- and envious -- but most especially -- inspired.

Last

Fed my addiction the whole day. This must be the last for now. My personal review schedule will start tomorrow, and I must follow it. I should, or else it will be my lost.