Probability

It’s been two days since our board exam… And tomorrow, it’s the third day… the judgment day… the result-releasing day.

I still can’t explain my feelings. One moment, I feel nothing. Then suddenly, I will shiver and feel nervous. After another moment, I feel depress. I hate this. Five months. I have prepared for almost five months for just that two-day exam -- actually the entire day isn’t really spent for it. And now what? I just don’t know what’s going to happen if I didn’t pass that damn exam. Actually, I was able to finally hand my letter to Daddy while ago, before he left in the morning. That letter was the one I wrote ahead when I was still reviewing. It was actually for both Daddy and Mommy.

Daddy, Mommy:

Kapag hindi ako nakapasa sa boards ngayong September, wag kayo masiyado ma-disappoint ha? Pagbubutihan ko na lang lalo uli sa March… Hintay lang uli… Sorry… [INSERT SAD FACE]

That’s what I wrote. I purposely said “wag masiyado ma-disappoint” instead of “wag ma-disappoint” -- because I know the latter is really impossible. Of course, they will surely be disappointed of me if I really fail. Who parents wouldn’t be?

Minutes after Daddy already left, I texted him saying, “Daddy, that’s a waiver. You have to sign that.” -- with “Hehehe” at the end. Haha.

Honestly, I felt a little guilty about my message in the letter for them, so I texted that half-seriously-meant pun. But it’s really because I am really not confident of myself that’s why I wrote that message. I want them to be at least open of any possibility for disappointment, and not just a mere full hope that I can make it. I’m also human. I just don’t express it, but the real is they really pressure me. It’s hard, don’t they know it?

Honestly I still feel bad to them. Still no one had say the most comforting words anyone in a situation like me would want to hear from any person. It’s the, “It’s okay. Whatever the result will be, it’s okay. You still have next time. Don’t worry.” Why can’t they say it? Why can’t they even think of it? I mean, I rather hear those words instead of their, “You can do it! Think positive! Go for top, okay?” The hell! I hate those words, especially the quote, “Think positive.” Who is that one who created that? It’s not really applicable for everything -- anyway, nothing really applies to all, just like what one of my most believed life quotes says, “In every rule, there’s always an exemption.”

By the way, I already told God that it’s not Him who I doubt. I have faith in Him. I really believe that to Him, “Everything is possible.” Whatever one hopes wholeheartedly and faithfully, He will grant it. There’s no really question about that. My problem is that, the thing I doubt is whether I am really “already worthy” of my wish to Him -- because just like what Ma’am KATA, the one who gave us a recall during our review in PERC, and a Med Tech board top-notches shared to us, I also believe that, “If it’s for you, He will give it. If it’s not, He will not. If it’s not yet the right time, He will not.” I really believed that. So the only thing I hope for is that I am already worthy of it so God will give it to me now. It’s just that right now, I still don’t know -- tomorrow will I.