None! I already finished scanning the two national English newspapers I have bought while ago. I was expecting to see the roster of the latest Medical Technology board exam passers. Specifically speaking, I wanted to check if my name is included in it. In short, I wanted to know the result of my exam last week end. Simple to put, I wanted to know if I passed. Yes, today is the releasing of the result. Today is the judgment day.
As usual, I couldn't sleep last night. That's why I tried hard to make my eyes tired by reading on my phone. I was rereading "Talk Back and You're Dead". It didn't fail me because I got sleepy before midnight. That was even better because usually I was able to sleep almost morning already, most especially before and after exam.
So anyway, I woke up I think twice this morning. The first, in fairness, I woke up because I heard my 5 am alarm. (Because again, usually, though I have several alarms, which are almost every hour -- sometimes starting from 3 am, I wasn't really able to hear any of it. I woke up just through body alarm, and that is BEFORE even my earliest alarm.) I actually didn't rose up immediately. My mind was still blank. Then I suddenly just got up. I went to the window and checked if the store nearby at the other side of the street was open yet. It wasn't, so I went back to sleep… again.
The second time, it was my body alarm that worked. The moment I opened my eyes, my mind was blank again. I just stared at the ceiling. Then I suddenly got up. I was sitting at the side of my chair-bed then. I was thinking. Immediately, I went to reach my bag and looked for my wallet, a pen, and paper. I didn’t find any paper at first, but I just cut from a page of my scratch journal, anyway I only needed a small piece. I wrote the number of our prepaid smart broadband sim card. Then I brought out a hundred-peso bill from my purse. I brought out another hundred-peso bill. I checked my phone, it was low bat. I turned it off, and charged it. What a good timing because I was also planning on turning it off for the whole day. I knew there would be several "I'm-the-first-to-know" updates from other people who were also waiting for the board exams result -- which I really hate, so by then, I already have a better reason to turn it off.
Anyway, after that I stood up and went to the kitchen. I brushed my teeth. I washed my face. I combed my hair. Then, presto, I was refreshed. It was already 6:30 a.m. (I think so), so I was pretty sure the store was open yet. I brought the money and paper I prepared while ago then went outside.
After some minutes, I went back with two big newspapers in my hand. I immediately hide it under ANA' things on the chair, along with the old newspaper she bought previously. I didn't want any of my siblings to see it and realize that I bought it. I was afraid they would knew that today is the release of the result of our boards, and that they would suddenly ask me this and that. I wanted to keep it a secret first. Honestly, I didn't really give them any update about my exam -- not before, not during, not after. I didn't want to talk about it face to face. And that is why I was only talking about it to Mommy because she is not here but there in the province.
So after I hid it, I thought that I would just checked it later -- later when all of them were gone already -- Ate and Kuya to work and ANA to school. I just did my works first. I folded the clothes washed last Sunday but was still hanging until today. No one else would really do the folding but me.
While I was folding, that was when Kuya left. Ate had already left, too, but earlier -- I thought before I even got up the second time I woke up? Anyway, the two were gone then; only one more to go. I was almost finished when ANA finally prepared to leave.
I continued folding. Then, I decided to just finish all of my other works before I scan the newspapers. So I swept the floor, and washed the dishes. While washing the dishes, my heart was really thumping fast and loud. I was all alone, but I talked on my mind. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do…
I kept on talking on my mind, until it went blank. I realized, I didn't really think of it… until now… but what if… I really failed the exam...? I realized, am I gonna rewind again my last six months? I'm gonna review again for another six months? I'm gonna read all of my notes again for another six months? I'm gonna wait again for another six months? Another roller coaster of nervousness and insanity for six months? But I really want to go for the next level now...
For the last 20 years of my existence, I didn't really have any stopover in my life. I went through my life the typical way. I was born. I was baptized. I went to grade school. I graduated. I went to high school. I graduated. I went to college. I graduated -- of course for this one I have at least some few struggles, but still I managed to pass through it. In short, it was generally a continues smooth sailing.
So that was why I didn't really spent time to think what am I gonna do if this time, I will not make it. I was so focus on just following the waves and moving forward -- without looking sideward or backward. Now, I'm here. I feel like I was suddenly splashed with some ice cold water. I was literally shivering and trembling. I can just pray and hope that I can still make this one.
I was done with washing the dishes. I was all good then. I got the newspapers -- shaking, and also my pink little stool. I positioned and sat beside my chair-bed. I set aside my pillows and blanket and placed the newspapers on it. I started to unfold one newspaper.
Front page. Scan. No any headlines about the boards. Unfold to the second page. Scan. Nothing I am looking for. Unfold to the fourth page. Scan. Noth… Stop. One page. One whole page. I saw several very small letters -- consisting of many names. "Certified List of Delinquent Properties. 2nd Publication" What is this? I thought… Sigh… Still not what I am looking for. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Wait. Something caught my eyes. In extra big all caps lock bold letters. "SUCCESS IS IN THE AIR." One long sigh. My heart continued to thump fast and loud. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Nothing. Unfold. Scan. Pause. "Our Daily Bread" I read it first. "Failure to discipline our children is a failure to love them." is the main point. Never mind. It's something I can't relate to now -- maybe in the future -- far far future. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Still nothing. Unfold. Scan. Nothing again. Until I finished the main section. I got the other sections. World. Business. Business again. Motoring. Motoring again. Entertainment. Lifestyle. Lifestyle again. Another lifestyle. Then no more for the first newspaper.
I reached for the second one. This time. I was at fast pace. Like at the first one, front page. Scan. No any headlines about the boards as well. Unfold. Scan. Wait. Something caught my eyes again -- this time, a picture -- a picture of doctors on their surgery clothes. Sigh… How I wish I could also wear my hospital uniform soon. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Unfold. Scan. Pause again. "Jobs Fair 2014" Sigh… How I wish I could have my own job soon. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Unfold. Scan. The main section is over now. Go to the other sections. I'm at panic mode now. Metro. Sports. Business. Another business. Mo... Stop, but not hoping. I saw several small letters again. I look closely to be able to read it. "Philippine Stock Exchange" Gaaaaa! I told myself so. Continue. Motoring. Another motoring. Lifestyle. Entertainment. I don't know what I am looking for now. I paused at the movie section. Continue. Still entertainment. Till lastly, classifieds. I'm drained. So drained. What makes it worse? When I reached the very very very last page… what I read… "Obituaries". Okay. Long long long deep deep deep sigh……
I wanna cry! Lord! Are you joking with me? Why? Did I got it the wrong way? Should I buy the other newspapers as well? Did I bought the wrong one? But these two are the only ones left at the store while ago, that's why I even bought both of them! Or is it not today? Should I buy tomorrow, because it is tomorrow that it will be published and not now? But today is really the result day! Wait. Is it really tomorrow? Well… I guess you're right. If today is the announcement of result, the publishing is tomorrow! Sigh… But I'm dying to know the result now! As in now! Sigh… By the way I'll just use the internet later. I'll check the PRC website.
And now, what's my plan? To wash my hands! It's so dirty and almost black due to the prints of the I-don't-know-how-many-pages newspapers I scanned for almost 30 minutes.
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