Sometimes, there is this one question you'll never get over with until you finally got the answer.
It's the very question that keeps you from moving on.
For whether you like it or not, it bothers you from time to time.
I wonder, will I still be able to know the answer to mine? Or will I be able to even ask it?
Monday, October 16, 2017
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Finale
I, together with my siblings just had special dinner while ago -- a little celebration I say…
So many how-tos. So many don’ts. Techniques. Advices. Reminders.
For months, I have heard lots of these -- almost day by day -- while preparing for the board exam.
Looking back, though I already had some readings in the month of May, my official review which was on PERC started in June. When it ended in July, my self-review began thereafter. Within this span of time, I had really gone through different situations. I had felt more or less all kinds of emotions.
At first, of course, there is me still playful and frivolous -- having a hangover with the vacation, taking my review lightly…
There am I also being a lazy bone -- postponing the preparation of board exam application requirements, and even the application itself…
Along the way in the middle, there came me being foolish -- distracted from review, then afterwards realizing the mistake, would resent oneself for the wasted time, hitting one’s head saying, “You’re so stupid! Why?! What have you done?!” and wishing for the ability to turn back time…
When the dead-serious phase finally kicked in, the next me evolved to:
Being so religious -- attending and participating actively in every Sunday Masses, feeling so sorry if failed to, and even lighting candle offerings in the Church -- which is in fact, a first time…
Being like a nerdy bookworm -- spending a very great deal of time surrounded by all kinds of integrated notes -- with contents from the most obsolete to the latest; of different sources from university lectures to review center hand outs to local and international books; with letters from the smallest to largest; of different types from hand-written to photocopied to printed; on different papers from the most ordinary (yellow pads, continues forms, brown papers) to special (bond papers, smooth glossy papers); with variety of emphasis markings from erasable underlines and circles of pencil to black-and-blue ink of ballpens to yellow-and-green colors of highlighters…
Being like an owl -- awake all night until daybreak, then will just have a quick nap and wake up again at the afternoon…
Being like someone on a strict diet (if it’s even considered as one) -- consuming nothing but a pitcher of water for the whole day…
Being like an always-PMS-ing woman -- so sensitive, irritable, full of hatred against inconsiderate noisy distraction-causing companies at the place…
Being like a dying person -- worrying all the time, counting the days left before the board exam…
Until the time came to being a scared-cat -- to the point of even thinking of backing out just one day before the board exam…
Yes. All of these -- all of these -- I experienced before the board exam. The bad thing, my restlessness didn’t really leave me until during and after the licensure exam. It worsened even actually -- up to yesterday.
Yesterday is the release of result of Medical Technology board exam we took five and four days ago. At 20:30 pm last night, the official roster of newly-passed medical technologist is finally out on the internet. [Clears throat] I’m so proud to say -- yes, my name was included in it. I’m in it! I saw my name in it! Yes, me! As in me! Em-ii! Me! I passed! Yes, I passed! Meaning, all of my hardships, my sacrifices, and my roller coaster experience during this last five months -- it is all worth it. All worth it! Furthermore, know what? My other friends and acquaintances passed as well! And our university? It is included in the top performing schools! It is really a very very very very good news.
[Deep Sigh] So… I guess this is an end now. This story has just had its conclusion. I remember, when I started this as one chapter here in my blog, I wrote in my ever first entry, “I hope the ending will be happy.” And yeah, right now, I’m smiling… with not really flowing but just forming little tears on the side of my eyes… because… yes -- I just achieved what I have hoped for -- a happy ending.
Now, another journey begins. Like what it is said, “When a door closes, a window opens.” And now, I know I already have a ticket for it.
So many how-tos. So many don’ts. Techniques. Advices. Reminders.
For months, I have heard lots of these -- almost day by day -- while preparing for the board exam.
Looking back, though I already had some readings in the month of May, my official review which was on PERC started in June. When it ended in July, my self-review began thereafter. Within this span of time, I had really gone through different situations. I had felt more or less all kinds of emotions.
At first, of course, there is me still playful and frivolous -- having a hangover with the vacation, taking my review lightly…
There am I also being a lazy bone -- postponing the preparation of board exam application requirements, and even the application itself…
Along the way in the middle, there came me being foolish -- distracted from review, then afterwards realizing the mistake, would resent oneself for the wasted time, hitting one’s head saying, “You’re so stupid! Why?! What have you done?!” and wishing for the ability to turn back time…
When the dead-serious phase finally kicked in, the next me evolved to:
Being so religious -- attending and participating actively in every Sunday Masses, feeling so sorry if failed to, and even lighting candle offerings in the Church -- which is in fact, a first time…
Being like a nerdy bookworm -- spending a very great deal of time surrounded by all kinds of integrated notes -- with contents from the most obsolete to the latest; of different sources from university lectures to review center hand outs to local and international books; with letters from the smallest to largest; of different types from hand-written to photocopied to printed; on different papers from the most ordinary (yellow pads, continues forms, brown papers) to special (bond papers, smooth glossy papers); with variety of emphasis markings from erasable underlines and circles of pencil to black-and-blue ink of ballpens to yellow-and-green colors of highlighters…
Being like an owl -- awake all night until daybreak, then will just have a quick nap and wake up again at the afternoon…
Being like someone on a strict diet (if it’s even considered as one) -- consuming nothing but a pitcher of water for the whole day…
Being like an always-PMS-ing woman -- so sensitive, irritable, full of hatred against inconsiderate noisy distraction-causing companies at the place…
Being like a dying person -- worrying all the time, counting the days left before the board exam…
Until the time came to being a scared-cat -- to the point of even thinking of backing out just one day before the board exam…
Yes. All of these -- all of these -- I experienced before the board exam. The bad thing, my restlessness didn’t really leave me until during and after the licensure exam. It worsened even actually -- up to yesterday.
Yesterday is the release of result of Medical Technology board exam we took five and four days ago. At 20:30 pm last night, the official roster of newly-passed medical technologist is finally out on the internet. [Clears throat] I’m so proud to say -- yes, my name was included in it. I’m in it! I saw my name in it! Yes, me! As in me! Em-ii! Me! I passed! Yes, I passed! Meaning, all of my hardships, my sacrifices, and my roller coaster experience during this last five months -- it is all worth it. All worth it! Furthermore, know what? My other friends and acquaintances passed as well! And our university? It is included in the top performing schools! It is really a very very very very good news.
[Deep Sigh] So… I guess this is an end now. This story has just had its conclusion. I remember, when I started this as one chapter here in my blog, I wrote in my ever first entry, “I hope the ending will be happy.” And yeah, right now, I’m smiling… with not really flowing but just forming little tears on the side of my eyes… because… yes -- I just achieved what I have hoped for -- a happy ending.
Now, another journey begins. Like what it is said, “When a door closes, a window opens.” And now, I know I already have a ticket for it.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Ups and Downs with the Newspaper
None! I already finished scanning the two national English newspapers I have bought while ago. I was expecting to see the roster of the latest Medical Technology board exam passers. Specifically speaking, I wanted to check if my name is included in it. In short, I wanted to know the result of my exam last week end. Simple to put, I wanted to know if I passed. Yes, today is the releasing of the result. Today is the judgment day.
As usual, I couldn't sleep last night. That's why I tried hard to make my eyes tired by reading on my phone. I was rereading "Talk Back and You're Dead". It didn't fail me because I got sleepy before midnight. That was even better because usually I was able to sleep almost morning already, most especially before and after exam.
So anyway, I woke up I think twice this morning. The first, in fairness, I woke up because I heard my 5 am alarm. (Because again, usually, though I have several alarms, which are almost every hour -- sometimes starting from 3 am, I wasn't really able to hear any of it. I woke up just through body alarm, and that is BEFORE even my earliest alarm.) I actually didn't rose up immediately. My mind was still blank. Then I suddenly just got up. I went to the window and checked if the store nearby at the other side of the street was open yet. It wasn't, so I went back to sleep… again.
The second time, it was my body alarm that worked. The moment I opened my eyes, my mind was blank again. I just stared at the ceiling. Then I suddenly got up. I was sitting at the side of my chair-bed then. I was thinking. Immediately, I went to reach my bag and looked for my wallet, a pen, and paper. I didn’t find any paper at first, but I just cut from a page of my scratch journal, anyway I only needed a small piece. I wrote the number of our prepaid smart broadband sim card. Then I brought out a hundred-peso bill from my purse. I brought out another hundred-peso bill. I checked my phone, it was low bat. I turned it off, and charged it. What a good timing because I was also planning on turning it off for the whole day. I knew there would be several "I'm-the-first-to-know" updates from other people who were also waiting for the board exams result -- which I really hate, so by then, I already have a better reason to turn it off.
Anyway, after that I stood up and went to the kitchen. I brushed my teeth. I washed my face. I combed my hair. Then, presto, I was refreshed. It was already 6:30 a.m. (I think so), so I was pretty sure the store was open yet. I brought the money and paper I prepared while ago then went outside.
After some minutes, I went back with two big newspapers in my hand. I immediately hide it under ANA' things on the chair, along with the old newspaper she bought previously. I didn't want any of my siblings to see it and realize that I bought it. I was afraid they would knew that today is the release of the result of our boards, and that they would suddenly ask me this and that. I wanted to keep it a secret first. Honestly, I didn't really give them any update about my exam -- not before, not during, not after. I didn't want to talk about it face to face. And that is why I was only talking about it to Mommy because she is not here but there in the province.
So after I hid it, I thought that I would just checked it later -- later when all of them were gone already -- Ate and Kuya to work and ANA to school. I just did my works first. I folded the clothes washed last Sunday but was still hanging until today. No one else would really do the folding but me.
While I was folding, that was when Kuya left. Ate had already left, too, but earlier -- I thought before I even got up the second time I woke up? Anyway, the two were gone then; only one more to go. I was almost finished when ANA finally prepared to leave.
I continued folding. Then, I decided to just finish all of my other works before I scan the newspapers. So I swept the floor, and washed the dishes. While washing the dishes, my heart was really thumping fast and loud. I was all alone, but I talked on my mind. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do…
I kept on talking on my mind, until it went blank. I realized, I didn't really think of it… until now… but what if… I really failed the exam...? I realized, am I gonna rewind again my last six months? I'm gonna review again for another six months? I'm gonna read all of my notes again for another six months? I'm gonna wait again for another six months? Another roller coaster of nervousness and insanity for six months? But I really want to go for the next level now...
For the last 20 years of my existence, I didn't really have any stopover in my life. I went through my life the typical way. I was born. I was baptized. I went to grade school. I graduated. I went to high school. I graduated. I went to college. I graduated -- of course for this one I have at least some few struggles, but still I managed to pass through it. In short, it was generally a continues smooth sailing.
So that was why I didn't really spent time to think what am I gonna do if this time, I will not make it. I was so focus on just following the waves and moving forward -- without looking sideward or backward. Now, I'm here. I feel like I was suddenly splashed with some ice cold water. I was literally shivering and trembling. I can just pray and hope that I can still make this one.
I was done with washing the dishes. I was all good then. I got the newspapers -- shaking, and also my pink little stool. I positioned and sat beside my chair-bed. I set aside my pillows and blanket and placed the newspapers on it. I started to unfold one newspaper.
Front page. Scan. No any headlines about the boards. Unfold to the second page. Scan. Nothing I am looking for. Unfold to the fourth page. Scan. Noth… Stop. One page. One whole page. I saw several very small letters -- consisting of many names. "Certified List of Delinquent Properties. 2nd Publication" What is this? I thought… Sigh… Still not what I am looking for. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Wait. Something caught my eyes. In extra big all caps lock bold letters. "SUCCESS IS IN THE AIR." One long sigh. My heart continued to thump fast and loud. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Nothing. Unfold. Scan. Pause. "Our Daily Bread" I read it first. "Failure to discipline our children is a failure to love them." is the main point. Never mind. It's something I can't relate to now -- maybe in the future -- far far future. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Still nothing. Unfold. Scan. Nothing again. Until I finished the main section. I got the other sections. World. Business. Business again. Motoring. Motoring again. Entertainment. Lifestyle. Lifestyle again. Another lifestyle. Then no more for the first newspaper.
I reached for the second one. This time. I was at fast pace. Like at the first one, front page. Scan. No any headlines about the boards as well. Unfold. Scan. Wait. Something caught my eyes again -- this time, a picture -- a picture of doctors on their surgery clothes. Sigh… How I wish I could also wear my hospital uniform soon. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Unfold. Scan. Pause again. "Jobs Fair 2014" Sigh… How I wish I could have my own job soon. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Unfold. Scan. The main section is over now. Go to the other sections. I'm at panic mode now. Metro. Sports. Business. Another business. Mo... Stop, but not hoping. I saw several small letters again. I look closely to be able to read it. "Philippine Stock Exchange" Gaaaaa! I told myself so. Continue. Motoring. Another motoring. Lifestyle. Entertainment. I don't know what I am looking for now. I paused at the movie section. Continue. Still entertainment. Till lastly, classifieds. I'm drained. So drained. What makes it worse? When I reached the very very very last page… what I read… "Obituaries". Okay. Long long long deep deep deep sigh……
I wanna cry! Lord! Are you joking with me? Why? Did I got it the wrong way? Should I buy the other newspapers as well? Did I bought the wrong one? But these two are the only ones left at the store while ago, that's why I even bought both of them! Or is it not today? Should I buy tomorrow, because it is tomorrow that it will be published and not now? But today is really the result day! Wait. Is it really tomorrow? Well… I guess you're right. If today is the announcement of result, the publishing is tomorrow! Sigh… But I'm dying to know the result now! As in now! Sigh… By the way I'll just use the internet later. I'll check the PRC website.
And now, what's my plan? To wash my hands! It's so dirty and almost black due to the prints of the I-don't-know-how-many-pages newspapers I scanned for almost 30 minutes.
As usual, I couldn't sleep last night. That's why I tried hard to make my eyes tired by reading on my phone. I was rereading "Talk Back and You're Dead". It didn't fail me because I got sleepy before midnight. That was even better because usually I was able to sleep almost morning already, most especially before and after exam.
So anyway, I woke up I think twice this morning. The first, in fairness, I woke up because I heard my 5 am alarm. (Because again, usually, though I have several alarms, which are almost every hour -- sometimes starting from 3 am, I wasn't really able to hear any of it. I woke up just through body alarm, and that is BEFORE even my earliest alarm.) I actually didn't rose up immediately. My mind was still blank. Then I suddenly just got up. I went to the window and checked if the store nearby at the other side of the street was open yet. It wasn't, so I went back to sleep… again.
The second time, it was my body alarm that worked. The moment I opened my eyes, my mind was blank again. I just stared at the ceiling. Then I suddenly got up. I was sitting at the side of my chair-bed then. I was thinking. Immediately, I went to reach my bag and looked for my wallet, a pen, and paper. I didn’t find any paper at first, but I just cut from a page of my scratch journal, anyway I only needed a small piece. I wrote the number of our prepaid smart broadband sim card. Then I brought out a hundred-peso bill from my purse. I brought out another hundred-peso bill. I checked my phone, it was low bat. I turned it off, and charged it. What a good timing because I was also planning on turning it off for the whole day. I knew there would be several "I'm-the-first-to-know" updates from other people who were also waiting for the board exams result -- which I really hate, so by then, I already have a better reason to turn it off.
Anyway, after that I stood up and went to the kitchen. I brushed my teeth. I washed my face. I combed my hair. Then, presto, I was refreshed. It was already 6:30 a.m. (I think so), so I was pretty sure the store was open yet. I brought the money and paper I prepared while ago then went outside.
After some minutes, I went back with two big newspapers in my hand. I immediately hide it under ANA' things on the chair, along with the old newspaper she bought previously. I didn't want any of my siblings to see it and realize that I bought it. I was afraid they would knew that today is the release of the result of our boards, and that they would suddenly ask me this and that. I wanted to keep it a secret first. Honestly, I didn't really give them any update about my exam -- not before, not during, not after. I didn't want to talk about it face to face. And that is why I was only talking about it to Mommy because she is not here but there in the province.
So after I hid it, I thought that I would just checked it later -- later when all of them were gone already -- Ate and Kuya to work and ANA to school. I just did my works first. I folded the clothes washed last Sunday but was still hanging until today. No one else would really do the folding but me.
While I was folding, that was when Kuya left. Ate had already left, too, but earlier -- I thought before I even got up the second time I woke up? Anyway, the two were gone then; only one more to go. I was almost finished when ANA finally prepared to leave.
I continued folding. Then, I decided to just finish all of my other works before I scan the newspapers. So I swept the floor, and washed the dishes. While washing the dishes, my heart was really thumping fast and loud. I was all alone, but I talked on my mind. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do…
I kept on talking on my mind, until it went blank. I realized, I didn't really think of it… until now… but what if… I really failed the exam...? I realized, am I gonna rewind again my last six months? I'm gonna review again for another six months? I'm gonna read all of my notes again for another six months? I'm gonna wait again for another six months? Another roller coaster of nervousness and insanity for six months? But I really want to go for the next level now...
For the last 20 years of my existence, I didn't really have any stopover in my life. I went through my life the typical way. I was born. I was baptized. I went to grade school. I graduated. I went to high school. I graduated. I went to college. I graduated -- of course for this one I have at least some few struggles, but still I managed to pass through it. In short, it was generally a continues smooth sailing.
So that was why I didn't really spent time to think what am I gonna do if this time, I will not make it. I was so focus on just following the waves and moving forward -- without looking sideward or backward. Now, I'm here. I feel like I was suddenly splashed with some ice cold water. I was literally shivering and trembling. I can just pray and hope that I can still make this one.
I was done with washing the dishes. I was all good then. I got the newspapers -- shaking, and also my pink little stool. I positioned and sat beside my chair-bed. I set aside my pillows and blanket and placed the newspapers on it. I started to unfold one newspaper.
Front page. Scan. No any headlines about the boards. Unfold to the second page. Scan. Nothing I am looking for. Unfold to the fourth page. Scan. Noth… Stop. One page. One whole page. I saw several very small letters -- consisting of many names. "Certified List of Delinquent Properties. 2nd Publication" What is this? I thought… Sigh… Still not what I am looking for. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Wait. Something caught my eyes. In extra big all caps lock bold letters. "SUCCESS IS IN THE AIR." One long sigh. My heart continued to thump fast and loud. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Nothing. Unfold. Scan. Pause. "Our Daily Bread" I read it first. "Failure to discipline our children is a failure to love them." is the main point. Never mind. It's something I can't relate to now -- maybe in the future -- far far future. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Still nothing. Unfold. Scan. Nothing again. Until I finished the main section. I got the other sections. World. Business. Business again. Motoring. Motoring again. Entertainment. Lifestyle. Lifestyle again. Another lifestyle. Then no more for the first newspaper.
I reached for the second one. This time. I was at fast pace. Like at the first one, front page. Scan. No any headlines about the boards as well. Unfold. Scan. Wait. Something caught my eyes again -- this time, a picture -- a picture of doctors on their surgery clothes. Sigh… How I wish I could also wear my hospital uniform soon. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Unfold. Scan. Pause again. "Jobs Fair 2014" Sigh… How I wish I could have my own job soon. Continue. Unfold. Scan. Unfold. Scan. The main section is over now. Go to the other sections. I'm at panic mode now. Metro. Sports. Business. Another business. Mo... Stop, but not hoping. I saw several small letters again. I look closely to be able to read it. "Philippine Stock Exchange" Gaaaaa! I told myself so. Continue. Motoring. Another motoring. Lifestyle. Entertainment. I don't know what I am looking for now. I paused at the movie section. Continue. Still entertainment. Till lastly, classifieds. I'm drained. So drained. What makes it worse? When I reached the very very very last page… what I read… "Obituaries". Okay. Long long long deep deep deep sigh……
I wanna cry! Lord! Are you joking with me? Why? Did I got it the wrong way? Should I buy the other newspapers as well? Did I bought the wrong one? But these two are the only ones left at the store while ago, that's why I even bought both of them! Or is it not today? Should I buy tomorrow, because it is tomorrow that it will be published and not now? But today is really the result day! Wait. Is it really tomorrow? Well… I guess you're right. If today is the announcement of result, the publishing is tomorrow! Sigh… But I'm dying to know the result now! As in now! Sigh… By the way I'll just use the internet later. I'll check the PRC website.
And now, what's my plan? To wash my hands! It's so dirty and almost black due to the prints of the I-don't-know-how-many-pages newspapers I scanned for almost 30 minutes.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Probability
It’s been two days since our board exam… And tomorrow, it’s the third day… the judgment day… the result-releasing day.
I still can’t explain my feelings. One moment, I feel nothing. Then suddenly, I will shiver and feel nervous. After another moment, I feel depress. I hate this. Five months. I have prepared for almost five months for just that two-day exam -- actually the entire day isn’t really spent for it. And now what? I just don’t know what’s going to happen if I didn’t pass that damn exam. Actually, I was able to finally hand my letter to Daddy while ago, before he left in the morning. That letter was the one I wrote ahead when I was still reviewing. It was actually for both Daddy and Mommy.
Daddy, Mommy:
Minutes after Daddy already left, I texted him saying, “Daddy, that’s a waiver. You have to sign that.” -- with “Hehehe” at the end. Haha.
Honestly, I felt a little guilty about my message in the letter for them, so I texted that half-seriously-meant pun. But it’s really because I am really not confident of myself that’s why I wrote that message. I want them to be at least open of any possibility for disappointment, and not just a mere full hope that I can make it. I’m also human. I just don’t express it, but the real is they really pressure me. It’s hard, don’t they know it?
Honestly I still feel bad to them. Still no one had say the most comforting words anyone in a situation like me would want to hear from any person. It’s the, “It’s okay. Whatever the result will be, it’s okay. You still have next time. Don’t worry.” Why can’t they say it? Why can’t they even think of it? I mean, I rather hear those words instead of their, “You can do it! Think positive! Go for top, okay?” The hell! I hate those words, especially the quote, “Think positive.” Who is that one who created that? It’s not really applicable for everything -- anyway, nothing really applies to all, just like what one of my most believed life quotes says, “In every rule, there’s always an exemption.”
By the way, I already told God that it’s not Him who I doubt. I have faith in Him. I really believe that to Him, “Everything is possible.” Whatever one hopes wholeheartedly and faithfully, He will grant it. There’s no really question about that. My problem is that, the thing I doubt is whether I am really “already worthy” of my wish to Him -- because just like what Ma’am KATA, the one who gave us a recall during our review in PERC, and a Med Tech board top-notches shared to us, I also believe that, “If it’s for you, He will give it. If it’s not, He will not. If it’s not yet the right time, He will not.” I really believed that. So the only thing I hope for is that I am already worthy of it so God will give it to me now. It’s just that right now, I still don’t know -- tomorrow will I.
I still can’t explain my feelings. One moment, I feel nothing. Then suddenly, I will shiver and feel nervous. After another moment, I feel depress. I hate this. Five months. I have prepared for almost five months for just that two-day exam -- actually the entire day isn’t really spent for it. And now what? I just don’t know what’s going to happen if I didn’t pass that damn exam. Actually, I was able to finally hand my letter to Daddy while ago, before he left in the morning. That letter was the one I wrote ahead when I was still reviewing. It was actually for both Daddy and Mommy.
Daddy, Mommy:
Kapag hindi ako nakapasa sa boards ngayong September, wag kayo masiyado ma-disappoint ha? Pagbubutihan ko na lang lalo uli sa March… Hintay lang uli… Sorry… [INSERT SAD FACE]That’s what I wrote. I purposely said “wag masiyado ma-disappoint” instead of “wag ma-disappoint” -- because I know the latter is really impossible. Of course, they will surely be disappointed of me if I really fail. Who parents wouldn’t be?
Minutes after Daddy already left, I texted him saying, “Daddy, that’s a waiver. You have to sign that.” -- with “Hehehe” at the end. Haha.
Honestly, I felt a little guilty about my message in the letter for them, so I texted that half-seriously-meant pun. But it’s really because I am really not confident of myself that’s why I wrote that message. I want them to be at least open of any possibility for disappointment, and not just a mere full hope that I can make it. I’m also human. I just don’t express it, but the real is they really pressure me. It’s hard, don’t they know it?
Honestly I still feel bad to them. Still no one had say the most comforting words anyone in a situation like me would want to hear from any person. It’s the, “It’s okay. Whatever the result will be, it’s okay. You still have next time. Don’t worry.” Why can’t they say it? Why can’t they even think of it? I mean, I rather hear those words instead of their, “You can do it! Think positive! Go for top, okay?” The hell! I hate those words, especially the quote, “Think positive.” Who is that one who created that? It’s not really applicable for everything -- anyway, nothing really applies to all, just like what one of my most believed life quotes says, “In every rule, there’s always an exemption.”
By the way, I already told God that it’s not Him who I doubt. I have faith in Him. I really believe that to Him, “Everything is possible.” Whatever one hopes wholeheartedly and faithfully, He will grant it. There’s no really question about that. My problem is that, the thing I doubt is whether I am really “already worthy” of my wish to Him -- because just like what Ma’am KATA, the one who gave us a recall during our review in PERC, and a Med Tech board top-notches shared to us, I also believe that, “If it’s for you, He will give it. If it’s not, He will not. If it’s not yet the right time, He will not.” I really believed that. So the only thing I hope for is that I am already worthy of it so God will give it to me now. It’s just that right now, I still don’t know -- tomorrow will I.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Board Examination Day part 2.5
At the apartment:
Drained… Drained… Drained…
It’s now over. It’s all over. I had already done my part. I had already the final throw of all my hard work for these past five months. For the rest, I can’t do anything about it anymore… It all depends on Him now…
I feel bad. Still I wasn’t able to hear the comforting words I want to hear from my companies here at apartment. Instead, they are even sending me more stress. While ago as soon as I enter the door, Kuya who is since a one-time-board-exam-taker-passer has a gut to ask me, “What now, do we already need to prepare a tarpaulin?” Yesterday, before I leave, Daddy told me, “Top the boards! Top the boards, okay? Do your best! You can do it!” Honestly, I don’t like it. I hate it. I really hate it. What I mean is they’re saying it like it’s just as simple as that. Isn’t it not okay if they only hope for me “to just pass only” or “to pass first”? Not only they pressure me, but they also didn’t even know how to do something, not even anything, to help me do well in this.
Yesterday after arriving, I was so pissed. I went home thinking of reviewing more for this day, the second day of board exam immediately as soon as I got home -- because the first day didn’t actually went well. However, as soon as I have arrived apartment, I saw several tasks to be done. After doing the chores and when finally I decided to start my readings, I still couldn’t because I have no quiet place to do my thing. I mean, they know that the living room is basically my room, but they still turned the TV on with a loud volume. That just really made my head hurt like hell. I couldn’t concentrate anymore. I lose my drive to review. I even went to the kitchen instead. While still trying very hard to read that night, I felt like crying. I was mad at them. I felt like they are so inconsiderate and so numb. I thought that they just don’t realized how hard what I was undergoing.
It was just too much that I even appreciate other people more -- for example, our Ma’am Secretaries of PERC -- than them. They are really so supportive. Since yesterday, the first day of our boards, they are already in front of the university gate, even earlier than us, the examinees. Now, it’s Sunday, the last day of our boards, and they are still there. I salute them for that.
And most especially Mommy. I was able to finally talk to her on the phone while ago. Though only through text message, she’s the only one whom I was able to express my anxiety about my upcoming boards during these last few days. I was randomly but constantly sending her sad and crying faces… and she fully understands how I felt. By merely replying, “Why are you crying again?” I already felt comforted. I remember her text I received yesterday afternoon, she said, “Anak, good luck sa exam mo. God bless!” I actually didn’t reply to her. And while ago, she texted me again, asking how’s my exam and if is it already over. That’s when I replied to her, “Tapos na po… Hintay na lang ng himala. Kadadating ko apartment. Kain na muna…” at 19:51 pm. Then I decided to call her, and we had a good talk. I love her. I really love her.
Drained… Drained… Drained…
It’s now over. It’s all over. I had already done my part. I had already the final throw of all my hard work for these past five months. For the rest, I can’t do anything about it anymore… It all depends on Him now…
I feel bad. Still I wasn’t able to hear the comforting words I want to hear from my companies here at apartment. Instead, they are even sending me more stress. While ago as soon as I enter the door, Kuya who is since a one-time-board-exam-taker-passer has a gut to ask me, “What now, do we already need to prepare a tarpaulin?” Yesterday, before I leave, Daddy told me, “Top the boards! Top the boards, okay? Do your best! You can do it!” Honestly, I don’t like it. I hate it. I really hate it. What I mean is they’re saying it like it’s just as simple as that. Isn’t it not okay if they only hope for me “to just pass only” or “to pass first”? Not only they pressure me, but they also didn’t even know how to do something, not even anything, to help me do well in this.
Yesterday after arriving, I was so pissed. I went home thinking of reviewing more for this day, the second day of board exam immediately as soon as I got home -- because the first day didn’t actually went well. However, as soon as I have arrived apartment, I saw several tasks to be done. After doing the chores and when finally I decided to start my readings, I still couldn’t because I have no quiet place to do my thing. I mean, they know that the living room is basically my room, but they still turned the TV on with a loud volume. That just really made my head hurt like hell. I couldn’t concentrate anymore. I lose my drive to review. I even went to the kitchen instead. While still trying very hard to read that night, I felt like crying. I was mad at them. I felt like they are so inconsiderate and so numb. I thought that they just don’t realized how hard what I was undergoing.
It was just too much that I even appreciate other people more -- for example, our Ma’am Secretaries of PERC -- than them. They are really so supportive. Since yesterday, the first day of our boards, they are already in front of the university gate, even earlier than us, the examinees. Now, it’s Sunday, the last day of our boards, and they are still there. I salute them for that.
And most especially Mommy. I was able to finally talk to her on the phone while ago. Though only through text message, she’s the only one whom I was able to express my anxiety about my upcoming boards during these last few days. I was randomly but constantly sending her sad and crying faces… and she fully understands how I felt. By merely replying, “Why are you crying again?” I already felt comforted. I remember her text I received yesterday afternoon, she said, “Anak, good luck sa exam mo. God bless!” I actually didn’t reply to her. And while ago, she texted me again, asking how’s my exam and if is it already over. That’s when I replied to her, “Tapos na po… Hintay na lang ng himala. Kadadating ko apartment. Kain na muna…” at 19:51 pm. Then I decided to call her, and we had a good talk. I love her. I really love her.
Board Examination Day part 2
I just finished organizing ALL of my reviewers. I suddenly realized I was amazing. And why is that? I finished all of those notes! For real? I can’t believe it. What a preparation for boards. Three months? Four months? Almost five months! However, after the exam while ago, I feel like those are actually all useless. The board exam is so......
I woke up early again today. I thought I should have a final wrap up for today’s subjects. I wasn’t contented with my too much disturbed and troubled readings last night. When it was time, I then started preparing myself. Without having a breakfast, I took a bath and changed into uniform. I get my things, and then I went on.
It was Sunday, so there were really only few people outside at that early time. Riding the jeepney didn’t become so hard. It was an easy trip to the university. I and MLA decided to just meet up at the building and not at the gate anymore. Both of us knew where to go and what to do upon entering the gate anyway. When I was climbing the stairs, I suddenly heard somebody called my name. Of course I was watching my steps by then, so I raised my head to search for that someone. I saw a group on the straight way up, but I knew no one among them. I heard another call, that time more people shouted my name. I followed the sound and there I finally saw where they are. I joined the group which was basically encompassing a big area on the corridor already. After some time, they started to become a little noisy, and so I decided to distant a little from them to have some reading myself. Until it was almost near time, so we dispersed to our own examination rooms.
Back to Room 319, we had a new pair of proctors just like what our previous proctors said yesterday. We underwent same process like during the first day. Our documents and everything else were checked. Our schedule for the day was presented on the board. We have the last three subjects for today -- Hematology, Immunology-Serology-Blood Banking and Histopathology-Medical Technology Laws and Ethics with Laboratory Management respectively. Afterwards, we were given spare time to do our own things. One moment and all of a sudden, I felt like some cold water was just poured unto me. I read on the board. Hema then ISBB. Hema first and ISBB second. Hema before and ISBB after. Oh my! I thought it was vice versa! That was why I chose to read the later while waiting before then, and to review the former after our first exam! But then I would learn that was the sequence?! I just shook my head in disappointment. I was a dead meat. But what could I do, it was there already so just let it be.
While waiting, something happened unexpectedly. We were told that there would be some delay due to some problems regarding the test papers. Our proctors added that we could just still have our review first. Well, that was something! I almost jumped at my chair! What a blessing in disguise! I immediately got my Hema notes and started scanning it. After some time, RJLA went to me and ask something. I answered him with the use of my reviewer. The next thing I know, I just let him have my reviewer. Until I realized what mistake I just did. What was I going to read by then? I was so stupid. If only not because… Tsk tsk tsk. Haha. I remembered I have a soft copy of my notes on my phone, so I just resolved with it. That was a good thing. Haha! So the delay went longer than expected that I was able to even finish my scan. I was at least more ready by then than the first moment that we should have taken the exam. And though I hate group reviews, most especially when I don’t have a good personal review yet, I was even able to pair review with a friend and former classmate / school mate whose seat is behind me.
Until finally the problem was solved, so it was already time. We first prayed again and the exam had officially started. The next happenings were almost a replay of yesterday. It was 4 or 5 pm when we finished all the exams. After meeting up with RJLA and MLA outside on the hallways, we could see inexpressible different emotions in each other faces.
Since it’s the last day of board exam -- our last time in UE, we decided to do some rounds before leaving. We walked through the hallways. We stared at the university monument. We went through other buildings from one entrance to another. We passed by the Chapel. We searched for their well-known garden -- though not open. We were basically like inspectors. Haha. At least in that way, we forgot the reason and purpose why we were there in the first place. Well for me, I felt extra happy -- being with a best friend and a c-r-u-s-h at the same time. Haha! And oh, I remember! I almost trip at one point by then because though it was just a low downward step, it was wet due to the rain -- and remember, I wore heels? And both of them immediately held my hand to prevent me from completely falling! Haha. After our ‘sight-seeing’ hehe, we then decided to go home.
I woke up early again today. I thought I should have a final wrap up for today’s subjects. I wasn’t contented with my too much disturbed and troubled readings last night. When it was time, I then started preparing myself. Without having a breakfast, I took a bath and changed into uniform. I get my things, and then I went on.
It was Sunday, so there were really only few people outside at that early time. Riding the jeepney didn’t become so hard. It was an easy trip to the university. I and MLA decided to just meet up at the building and not at the gate anymore. Both of us knew where to go and what to do upon entering the gate anyway. When I was climbing the stairs, I suddenly heard somebody called my name. Of course I was watching my steps by then, so I raised my head to search for that someone. I saw a group on the straight way up, but I knew no one among them. I heard another call, that time more people shouted my name. I followed the sound and there I finally saw where they are. I joined the group which was basically encompassing a big area on the corridor already. After some time, they started to become a little noisy, and so I decided to distant a little from them to have some reading myself. Until it was almost near time, so we dispersed to our own examination rooms.
Back to Room 319, we had a new pair of proctors just like what our previous proctors said yesterday. We underwent same process like during the first day. Our documents and everything else were checked. Our schedule for the day was presented on the board. We have the last three subjects for today -- Hematology, Immunology-Serology-Blood Banking and Histopathology-Medical Technology Laws and Ethics with Laboratory Management respectively. Afterwards, we were given spare time to do our own things. One moment and all of a sudden, I felt like some cold water was just poured unto me. I read on the board. Hema then ISBB. Hema first and ISBB second. Hema before and ISBB after. Oh my! I thought it was vice versa! That was why I chose to read the later while waiting before then, and to review the former after our first exam! But then I would learn that was the sequence?! I just shook my head in disappointment. I was a dead meat. But what could I do, it was there already so just let it be.
While waiting, something happened unexpectedly. We were told that there would be some delay due to some problems regarding the test papers. Our proctors added that we could just still have our review first. Well, that was something! I almost jumped at my chair! What a blessing in disguise! I immediately got my Hema notes and started scanning it. After some time, RJLA went to me and ask something. I answered him with the use of my reviewer. The next thing I know, I just let him have my reviewer. Until I realized what mistake I just did. What was I going to read by then? I was so stupid. If only not because… Tsk tsk tsk. Haha. I remembered I have a soft copy of my notes on my phone, so I just resolved with it. That was a good thing. Haha! So the delay went longer than expected that I was able to even finish my scan. I was at least more ready by then than the first moment that we should have taken the exam. And though I hate group reviews, most especially when I don’t have a good personal review yet, I was even able to pair review with a friend and former classmate / school mate whose seat is behind me.
Until finally the problem was solved, so it was already time. We first prayed again and the exam had officially started. The next happenings were almost a replay of yesterday. It was 4 or 5 pm when we finished all the exams. After meeting up with RJLA and MLA outside on the hallways, we could see inexpressible different emotions in each other faces.
Since it’s the last day of board exam -- our last time in UE, we decided to do some rounds before leaving. We walked through the hallways. We stared at the university monument. We went through other buildings from one entrance to another. We passed by the Chapel. We searched for their well-known garden -- though not open. We were basically like inspectors. Haha. At least in that way, we forgot the reason and purpose why we were there in the first place. Well for me, I felt extra happy -- being with a best friend and a c-r-u-s-h at the same time. Haha! And oh, I remember! I almost trip at one point by then because though it was just a low downward step, it was wet due to the rain -- and remember, I wore heels? And both of them immediately held my hand to prevent me from completely falling! Haha. After our ‘sight-seeing’ hehe, we then decided to go home.
The Cross
Mass today is a special one. We are celebrating the "Feast of the Elevation of the Holy Cross", or "Feast of the Holy Cross" alone. I didn’t even know it; I just realized it when the priest started talking. So that’s why his clothes and even the previous presider are somewhat different -- I mean, it looks something special because as far as I know, usually it’s green but today it’s red. So that’s it.
Anyway, I love the Mass today. The priest looks new to me, but I think I have already attended a mass whom he presided. I think I have just forgotten -- or maybe not really at all?? Anyway, I liked him. I really learned something new from him. It’s this.
“Ang tao, kapag sinabi mong ‘Krus’, madalas ang unang naiisip ay problema -- kahirapan -- pasakit -- lahat ng negative na bagay sa mundo -- as in mabigat ang pasan na krus, ibig sabihin mabigat ang pasan na problema. Pero, mali iyon. Nakakalimutan ng tao ang totoong kahulugan ng Krus. Ito ay ang kaligtasan -- kaginhawaan -- blessing -- dahil nang pinasan at nagpapako sa Krus si Jesus, nawala at nailigtas na ang lahat ng tao mula sa kasalanan -- sa kaparusahan -- sa kamatayan. So ang talagang meaning ng Krus ay positive, hindi negative.
Makapangyarihan ang krus. Kaya nga may 'Sign of the Cross'. Kailan ba ito ginagamit? Sa pagdarasal. Minsan ang tao ikinahihiya ang pagsa-sign of the Cross. Pero hindi dapat. Mabuti nga ang paggamit nito -- sa lahat ng pagkakataon -- sa paggising, “Thank you God sa bagong araw. Sana maging maganda ito.” -- sa pagsakay sa jeep, “Sana po hindi madisgrasya o ma-holdap ang jeep na ito.” -- sa pag-take ng exam, “Sana po pumasa ako dito.” So ano talaga ang meaning ng Cross? Ibig sabihin, kaligtasan. The Cross is never a burden. It’s a blessing. So mahalin natin ang Cross. Gawing habit ang pagsa-sign of the Cross.”
Anyway, I love the Mass today. The priest looks new to me, but I think I have already attended a mass whom he presided. I think I have just forgotten -- or maybe not really at all?? Anyway, I liked him. I really learned something new from him. It’s this.
“Ang tao, kapag sinabi mong ‘Krus’, madalas ang unang naiisip ay problema -- kahirapan -- pasakit -- lahat ng negative na bagay sa mundo -- as in mabigat ang pasan na krus, ibig sabihin mabigat ang pasan na problema. Pero, mali iyon. Nakakalimutan ng tao ang totoong kahulugan ng Krus. Ito ay ang kaligtasan -- kaginhawaan -- blessing -- dahil nang pinasan at nagpapako sa Krus si Jesus, nawala at nailigtas na ang lahat ng tao mula sa kasalanan -- sa kaparusahan -- sa kamatayan. So ang talagang meaning ng Krus ay positive, hindi negative.
Makapangyarihan ang krus. Kaya nga may 'Sign of the Cross'. Kailan ba ito ginagamit? Sa pagdarasal. Minsan ang tao ikinahihiya ang pagsa-sign of the Cross. Pero hindi dapat. Mabuti nga ang paggamit nito -- sa lahat ng pagkakataon -- sa paggising, “Thank you God sa bagong araw. Sana maging maganda ito.” -- sa pagsakay sa jeep, “Sana po hindi madisgrasya o ma-holdap ang jeep na ito.” -- sa pag-take ng exam, “Sana po pumasa ako dito.” So ano talaga ang meaning ng Cross? Ibig sabihin, kaligtasan. The Cross is never a burden. It’s a blessing. So mahalin natin ang Cross. Gawing habit ang pagsa-sign of the Cross.”
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